tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-11-10:/Mjohnson's Glorious Fighting Girls Travel Game MokoFeed2009-11-10T22:01:46+01:00tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-11-09:/2009/11/09/crazy-talk-7338702/mjohnson2009-11-09T18:09:05+01:002009-11-09T18:09:05+01:00 <p>This blog has become phenomenally unpopular. So few people read my musings that I’d imagine a notice nailed to a fence post somewhere in the wilds of Dartmoor would attract more attention from occasional passers by. No matter, I shall continue this saltatory rant for a good while longer, so if any disorientated virtual rambler does stumble upon this backwater, at least they’ll have plenty to read. Of course, unlike a stranded hiker, they’ll also have the option of looking at the entire internet instead, including porn, so I don’t expect them to stick around and read much, just take a look at this <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2008/03/26/i-d-tap-that-ass-3940666">picture </a>of an arse with a tap on it and fuck off to your images of stuffed orifices and self loathing you onanists.</p> <p>This week I’ve been wondering about the Fort Hood shooter (<a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8345713.stm">BBC News</a>). I remember that on the 3rd of November five British soldiers were killed by a rogue Afghan policeman in Southern Afghanistan(<a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8343531.stm">BBC News</a>). In a statement in response to the killings Hamid Karzai’s Presidential spokesman Humayun Hamidzada said it was an isolated attack:</p> <blockquote><p>"These are incidents that can happen anywhere. The crazy man who has done this has also attacked the Afghan police," he told the AP. "You can't use this isolated incident to say that there is a problem with the police force of Afghanistan. In the U.S., people shoot up people in a shopping mall. There are crazy people everywhere."</p></blockquote> <p>(<a href="http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5i8n1R0ts9azt2pf-omBeXIE4zBZAD9BOMNLO3">Quote from AP</a>)</p> <p>The next day a crazy person decided to shoot up an American army base in Texas. I wonder if Nidal Malik Hasan had read the words of Mr Hamidzada before he set out to kill those 13 people. I’m not for a moment suggesting that it was his motivation. I wouldn’t like to speculate; just that it is a coincidence.</p> <p>If this was a conspiracy theorist blog then, firstly, I would probably get more hits, from mental people. Secondly I would speculate that it was the CIA – of course - they could easily have brainwashed Hasan during his training as a psychiatrist. They usually brainwash people during ‘sleep experiments’ they run as fronts for evil brainwashing schemes. Then of course it was just a formality to have Hamidzada say what he did. Karzai’s brother swapped his notes, we all know Karzai’s brother is a CIA lackey after all. Then . . . </p> <p>Well as I said this isn’t a conspiracy theorist blog, so ignore all that. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/11/09/crazy-talk-7338702/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-11-05:/2009/11/05/rift-riff-7314032/mjohnson2009-11-05T18:41:33+01:002009-11-05T18:41:33+01:00 <p>In 2005 a 35-mile rift opened up in the desert in Ethiopia in a matter of days. This was caused by the rifting of the African and Arabian plates. The African and Arabian plates have been moving apart at 1 inch per year for the last 30 million years. 30 million inches is 500 miles. 500 miles is the distance the Proclaimers would walk to fall down at your door, but as the Proclaimers will tell you, they’re willing to walk an additional 500 miles just to be the man who walked 1000 miles to fall down at your door. Well the boastful Proclaimers might be nippy when compared to plate tectonics, but they shouldn’t get complacent, because in another 30 million years, that’s half the time between now and the dinosaurs, the African and Arabian plates will have caught their long dead, fallen down, asses and will have rifted 1,000 miles just to form a new ocean. Eat on that you speccy Scottish singing gits. </p> <p><a href="http://www.livescience.com/environment/091102-africa-rift-ocean.html">Check it out. </a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/11/05/rift-riff-7314032/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-11-02:/2009/11/02/cannabis-correspondent-7293280/mjohnson2009-11-02T17:17:27+01:002009-11-02T17:34:39+01:00 <p>Have you been following the <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8336635.stm">news </a>about the government’s chief drug advisor Professor Nutts? I’ll just give you a quick run down to get you up to speed:</p> <p>Nutts was stiffing for his government bread-wren giving dem the view from the street on drugs, but when he served it up theyz all, this shit is whack. Nutt was like, that is diss, these kids are asking for a beatdown. So Nutt starts frontin saying the government are swag, but Johnson, the Secretary of the House, shanked Nutt up – oh my days – saying Nuttz shouldn’t be frontin and should stay in the laboratory with his drugs an get mashed up and leave the politics to the proper gangsta mother fuckers. Now Nuttz has no job (like my baby father) and cos he’s all into drugs and shit he’s properly well fucked up. </p> <p>I find it rather absurd that they hired this guy to provide them with an opinion then fired him for expressing his opinion, but I suppose that’s the rule of the street and that’s not really what I’m interested in. What I like in a news story about cannabis is the library footage that the BBC news uses. Is it just me, or do they have rather a lot of it. Man skinning up a fat one, man sparking up a joint, man taking a long drag on big spliff, arty shot of wispy smoke. The BBC’s footage of cannabis use isn’t like other crime footage – grainy CCTV of hoodies being anti social (rejecting party invites) or hooligans throwing plastic chairs – it’s much clearer, like they’ve arranged to have someone take cannabis for the purpose of filming them, which surely makes them complicit. </p> <p>I’d like to know how they go about arranging these shoots, do they have a go-to man that they ring up and meet at the Esso garage, but instead of buying drugs, they pay him to get stoned while they film him. Does he get royalties? Is there some ex-dealer out there who gets a cheque in the post every time there is a story in the papers about cannabis? I hope there is, and I hope he spends the money on drugs every time. It would be particularly ironic if he was trying to go clean but he can’t because he keeps getting paid to get stoned again and again. If only the controversy about cannabis would end, it’s destroying lives. </p> <p>Of course it could just be that there are a couple of technicians in the BBC film library with blood shot eyes eating take away pizza and giggling hysterically while they watch themselves get high on the six O’clock news. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/11/02/cannabis-correspondent-7293280/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-26:/2009/10/26/soul-fight-7247213/mjohnson2009-10-26T15:19:04+01:002009-10-26T15:20:46+01:00 <p>I’m particularly enjoying the manoeuvrings of the Roman Catholic Church this week. If you haven’t heard, The Pope, Benedict XVI, a man that looks like Baron Von Greenback in a white toupee, has issued a papal decree that opens the way for Anglicans to jump ship and join his gang of papists (<a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/oct/20/roman-catholic-church-receive-anglicans">Link Guardian</a>). The manoeuvre will reportedly gain the Pope an additional half a million souls which will make Jesus very happy/sad depending on who you believe is right and the quality of the souls in question. </p> <p>The reason that all these believers want to change their beliefs is that Rowan Williams has been recklessly ordaining women and gays. I like to imagine this as the Pope and The Arch Bishop, let’s call him Archy, playing a game of chess. Archy brings his Gay Bishop into play, threatening to reveal the Pope’s Queens, but Archy has left himself exposed and in the next move Benedict is able to capture half a million of Archy’s pawns. Half a million intolerant, misogynistic, Daily Express reading, pawns, but half a million pawns none the less. Archy sits impassively contemplating the Pope’s coup, his only show of emotion is to slightly raise one of his enormous, ornate, owl feather, eyebrows.</p> <p>It might seem like a great move by the Pope, but if you put it in a historical context its small potatoes. This is a game that was started nearly five hundred years ago by the famously tyrannical, misogynist, Henry VIII in an opportunistic move that not only allowed him to bonk yet another unfortunate woman, but also allowed him to pinch all of the Papist land and money within his kingdom. A move that quadrupled the value of the land that the king controlled, as well as netting him a million quid in gold and silver (you can times that by about 300 to get close to a modern value). That is a pretty sweet opening gambit. Rome replied with Mary I, her special move was to set fire to Protestants, but she dropped the ball when she failed to conceive (could this be the source of the Catholic aversion to contraception?). Rome’s next plan involved a full scale naval invasion, but that particular armada sunk and so the story continued. </p> <p>This latest twist means we can add sodomy and misogyny to the list of players in this five hundred year long saga; they’ll take their place alongside adultery, beheadings, burning at the stake, war, sectarianism, money, politics and power. What a heart warming story of compassion. Jesus must be so very proud.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/26/soul-fight-7247213/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-25:/2009/10/25/i-wrote-a-cartoon-7241414/mjohnson2009-10-25T17:15:25+01:002009-10-25T17:15:25+01:00 <p>the picture is too wide for this blog, so I posted it <a href="http://mgfgtgplus.blog.co.uk/2009/10/25/cartoon-7241373/">here</a>. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/25/i-wrote-a-cartoon-7241414/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-25:/2009/10/25/oh-dear-7240093/mjohnson2009-10-25T13:07:25+01:002009-10-25T13:08:22+01:00 <p>I have just made a profile for Nick Griffin on Interracialromance.com </p> <blockquote><p><strong>Nick Griffin</strong></p> <p>Headline: Orthodox Opinions - Pah!</p> <p>Describe Yourself:</p> <p>I'm an author, journalist, political campaigner, public speaker, member of the European Parliament. In 1998 I was convicted of distributing material likely to incite racial hatred, but what I really want to distribute is interracial romance.</p></blockquote> <p>I really shouldn't be left alone. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/25/oh-dear-7240093/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-24:/2009/10/24/did-you-see-question-time-on-thursday-7234272/mjohnson2009-10-24T10:33:06+02:002009-10-24T10:33:06+02:00 <p>Oh you missed it, watch the highlights:</p> <p>From <a href="http://cassetteboy.wordpress.com/">Cassetteboy</a>. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/24/did-you-see-question-time-on-thursday-7234272/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-23:/2009/10/23/nick-7230873/mjohnson2009-10-23T17:29:11+02:002009-10-23T17:29:11+02:00 <p>Nick had nothing to contribute to the world. He was unemployed and cronically lazy, he had not earned a days wages in almost a decade. After Nick lost his job he’d tried to stay positive, at first he had spent every day looking in the paper and at the job boards at the job centre, but his efforts were fruitless and pretty soon it started to wear. He still looked at the job boards, but blankly, the jobs meant nothing to him. Then he stopped going all together.</p> <p>Nick had never had much of a stomach for a fight. He resigned himself to redundancy. The days and weeks started to merge. Without an income Nick had to lower his expectations, a walk in the park is a simple pleasure to most people, but when the park is the only place open to you life starts to feel like a prison. Nick’s prospects closed in on him. Sadness built up inside of him, clogging the arteries that fed his spirt. Soon Nick couldn’t even contribute a smile. His personality was in recession. People he’d known for a long time started to avoid him. He no longer liked himself, he wasn’t interesting, he wasn’t funny, his mind was full of torment. He started to get angry, then he stopped sleeping. </p> <p>He lay awake at night thinking. How had he come to this. How, why, who was responsible for the malaise that enveloped his every waking moment. It hadn’t always been like this. Hate, malignant hatred, infected his thinking. The faces he saw while he was stalking the park during the day came back to him at night. The mums pushing prams, the children on their way home from school. They had a place in this world, something to contribute. Nick had no place, no friends, no community. Allot of the people in the park were Asian. The city in which Nick lived had a vibrant Asian community. Nick started to think that the Asians had taken away his community, taken away his job, taken away his friends and he hated them for it.</p> <p>And that’s where racists come from. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/nick-7230873/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-22:/2009/10/22/gocompare-open-letter-7222336/mjohnson2009-10-22T12:45:47+02:002009-10-22T12:45:47+02:00 <p>Dear Chris Wilkins and Sian Vickers</p> <p>I understand that you are the husband and wife creative team responsible for Gio Compario the fictional opera singer currently featuring in adverts for the price comparison website Go Compare. You pricks, why would you do such a thing? </p> <p>Regards</p> <p>Mjohnson</p> <p>I couldn’t find an address for Chris and Sian so they may never receive my carefully worded critique of their work, which is a real shame. If anyone reading this knows either of these guys can you just send them the link, you may also want to question the type of company you keep. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/22/gocompare-open-letter-7222336/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-15:/2009/10/15/adam-curtis-on-helmand-7177285/mjohnson2009-10-15T20:46:37+02:002009-10-15T20:48:27+02:00 <p>I've already put this link in my Delicious links, but I also want to make a note of it here. It's a link to a post by the documentary maker Adam Curtis, the man who responsible for The Power of Nightmares series. He writes an excellent blog for the BBC, where recently, he has been researching the history of modern Afghanistan. This is the third post he has written on Afghanistan, they're all worth reading, but to me this is the most extraordinary. His story centers around the Kajaki dam, an American aid project begun in the 50s, but he doesn't just tell the story of the dam he tells the story of the ideas, the political theories, the cultural shifts, behind the policies. By doing this he is able to link sewing machines in Kandahar with forced relocation programmes in Vietnam. </p> <p>The other thing I like about Adam's blog is the way he uses the medium. The internet, text, pictures, video, links to other sites to tell his story. He's not the first to do this, but he does do it very well. </p> <p><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/adamcurtis/2009/10/kabul_city_number_one_part_3.html">http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/adamcurtis/2009/10/kabul_city_number_one_part_3.html</a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/15/adam-curtis-on-helmand-7177285/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-10-04:/2009/10/04/movie-time-7098145/mjohnson2009-10-04T19:50:16+02:002009-10-04T19:53:24+02:00 <p>I made this film - won't let me embed it though. You just can't get the staff!</p> <p>Watch it by following this link. </p> <p><a href="http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20091004143640386">http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20091004143640386</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/10/04/movie-time-7098145/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-09-29:/2009/09/29/begging-letter-7063132/mjohnson2009-09-29T16:03:45+02:002009-09-29T16:03:45+02:00 <p>My girlfriend wants to see Fat Freddy’s Drop at Hammersmith Apollo. Having never heard of them, I’m not that keen, but since I don’t want her to have fun without me, and I don’t permit her to be outside of the house in the presence of other men without me or her eunuch, I have to buy another ticket. It turns out they’re 29 quid, so I’ve come up with a scheme – Begging Letter: </p> <blockquote><p>Dear Fat Freddie</p> <p>My girlfriend and I hope to attend you concert at the Hammersmith Apollo in November 2009, unfortunately an urgent need for driving lessons has put considerable strain on our finances. Please consider sending us some Fat Freebie tickets so that I can continue to learn to drive and come to your concert. </p> <p>I know what you’re thinking, there are plenty of people in urgent need of driving lessons you can’t possibly be expected to give them all free tickets. That is why I have formulated a fable fat enough to tug on your clogged heart strings, you see, I once had a Ferret, a Fat Ferret, called Freddie. Un-Fortunately Freddie the fat ferret finished ferreting forever when the foam in my futon caught fire, it fried furry Freddie. The fashionably late firemen fought the flames, but their fight was futile, the furnace’s fumes had found forlorn Freddie and fumigated him and his fecund fleas fatally. Freddie’s funeral was in February, on a Friday, the first. I fainted from the formaldehyde fumes. </p> <p>As you can see I’ve not had it easy and as I did name my fictional ferret after you (he loved his folk music) please give me free tickets. </p> <p>Best Wishes</p> <p>Mjohnson </p></blockquote> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/09/29/begging-letter-7063132/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-09-24:/2009/09/24/chicken-tikka-lasagne-7031797/mjohnson2009-09-24T15:43:27+02:002009-09-24T20:18:47+02:00 <p>I’ve just eaten a whole English pound’s worth of Iceland’s Chicken-Tikka Lasagne for lunch and it’s opened my eyes to a whole new world of food. Does this development mark the dawn of an exciting new food movement; Chav Fusion? </p> <p>The idea of replacing the Bolognese sauce in a lasagne with a Chicken-Tikka curry is game changing. British cuisine hasn’t seen a development like this since a hungry maverick wanted a fry-up for lunch and invented the all day breakfast. The real genius of the form is that it challenges the convention that a lasagne contains a bolognaise sauce and opens the way for a whole new world of meat-sauce based, cooked, pasta sandwiches – all topped off with cheddar cheese. Chilli, Coq au van, sweet and sour prawns, these dishes always had the potential to be baked between pasta sheets with Béchamel sauce, we just didn’t see it. </p> <p>I wonder whether this creative masterstroke was the work of an individual or a focus group: “Our findings are that a typical customer’s favourite meal is either lasagne, or Chicken-Tikka curry, if only there was some way we could combine the two. . . ” Whoever it was that made the leap they deserve a peerage - we have precedent - they made the guy that invented the sandwich an Earl. Can I dare to dream that it was the recently disgraced Kerry Katona, perhaps in some bizarre, Beadles About style, industrial, kitchen accident: ‘I’ll just have a sneaky little line behind this mechanical meat separator’ . . . whoops. . !</p> <p>No matter how sceptical you are about the combination you have to admit that whoever it was that opened the Pandora’s freezer box of possibilities has at least contributed to the sum of human culinary knowledge. I often wonder how, as a species, we ended up with such elaborate cooking rituals. Who was the first person to use <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rennet">extract of calf stomac</a>h to curdle milk to make cheese, cheese which is mouldy milk, milk the stuff that comes from cow’s tits. </p> <p>When examined there are plenty of foods which are just weird, I’ll admit, this is one of them, but ninety 99p for a meal is good value and, at that price, the fact that it’s still repeating on me after an hour probably counts as a bonus. </p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/chicken_tikka_lasagne/3931930" title="Chicken tikka lasagne"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/930/3931930_7088983fa9_m.jpg" alt="Chicken tikka lasagne"></a></p> <p><strong>Update</strong>: it has apparently now made my breath smell like Pedigree Chum. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/09/24/chicken-tikka-lasagne-7031797/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-09-04:/2009/09/04/climate-6889091/mjohnson2009-09-04T10:52:59+02:002009-09-04T14:36:59+02:00 <p>I’ve recently signed myself up to the <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/10-10">10:10 </a>campaign; this involves pledging to reduce my carbon emissions by 10% in 2010 and yesterday I read about the Mayor of London’s <a href="http://www.london.gov.uk/view_press_release.jsp?releaseid=23462">low carbon neighbourhood scheme</a>, this involves the creation of 10 low carbon zones, each one has committed to reducing their carbon emissions by 20.12% by 2012. </p> <p>Have you noticed that today’s date is the 9th September 2009, 09/09/09, (or 09/09/09 if you’re using the American notation)? I have. </p> <p><strong>Update: It's the 4th September. Dam it - somehow I managed to get the date wrong and shot my brilliant campaign in the foot before it even got off the ground. </strong></p> <p>In the spirit of carbon reduction initiatives, based on the date, I am starting a campaign called 999 day, emergency planet earth. On this day (i.e. next Wednesday), 999 day, due to an interesting peculiarity of the date and the urgent and pressing need to reduce global C02 emissions, a dynamic group of organisations, businesses and individuals (that’s me and you) are signing up and pledging to reduce their C02 emissions by 999% for one day.</p> <p>Sign up below and pledge to reduce your C02 emissions 999% for one day, today. Turn off that computer, turn off the lights, turn off the telly, basically turn everything off, don’t go anywhere or do anything at all.</p> <p><strong>Update # 2:</strong> This campaign is not going well, even worse than <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/letter-to-time-magazine-5231152/">my attempts </a>to make Muntazer al-Zaidi, the George W Bush shoe thrower, Time Magazine man of the year. The latest hitch is the realisation that 999% of my daily C02 emissions is actually almost ten days worth of carbon, (100% would be one day). As it stands next Wednesday, I, and anyone else that signs up for this ill fated venture, will have to sequester ten days worth of carbon. So far I’m not sure how I’m going to do this, but I do have a figure. Based on the UK average annual emissions of <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2007/jan/24/ethicalliving.g2">9,400Kg </a>per year, one day’s worth of emissions equates to roughly 26Kg. 999% of this figure is about 255Kg. It’s going to be tough to hit this target, but I do have a plan. Amazon are selling <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/HHSW-Hhsw-Lumpwood-Charcoal-10Kg/dp/B000TAR0A4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=garden&qid=1252069516&sr=8-2">10Kgs of lumpwood charcoal for £11.30</a>, if I buy and then bury 26 sacks of the stuff, by my reckoning, I’ve just about hit my target. Who’s with me! (You’ll need about £300 and a shovel). </p> <p>If you’ll allow me to leave the computer on for just a bit longer I’ll tell you a little bit about my experiences of signing up for 10:10 so far (which is a genuinely worthwhile idea, unlike my campaign). Part of the pledge is a commitment to spread the word, so yesterday I emailed my companies’ Sustainability Forum. I put together a short but convincing argument for our participation. This was basically a list of our clients and competitors who had already signed up. So far the email hasn’t had an exactly ground shaking impact. One guy did come up to me yesterday evening and say “thanks for your email, very interesting. Just out of interest why did you send it to me?”</p> <p>"You’re part of the sustainability forum".</p> <p>"Oh, am I? I am on a lot of committees. It’s good to be on committees you know".</p> <p>That last bit is him mentoring me. He likes to give me advice about how to get on: committees yes, a sense of moral duty no. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/09/04/climate-6889091/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-08-28:/2009/08/28/swines-6840235/mjohnson2009-08-28T12:05:25+02:002009-08-28T12:20:57+02:00 <p>Someone’s been messing with my lunch. I can’t seem to decide what to eat any more. You see my number one sandwich choice used to be ham, BBQ Ham and elemental cheese bloomer to be precise. I love a bit of ham, a slice of pastrami, a slither of saucisson, a bite of bratwurst, a jowl-full of jambon. I like pork dam it. So what happened, The World Cancer Research Fund, that’s what happened? These fools have messed with my meat. <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8202188.stm">They called Cancer on it</a>.</p> <p>Last Monday The World Cancer Research Fund advised parents not to put ham in their children’s sandwiches unless they want their children to die slowly and painfully with no hair. Who wants that, not me, we must save the children, but what about all the children who have grown up into twenty nine year old balding men and now, because they’ve eaten hundreds of pigs in their life, are on the certain brink of cancerous death. In other words spare a thought for me. </p> <p>My childhood lunchbox contained either ham or corned beef; corned beef in the eighties was made entirely from the spinal columns and brains of insane cows! I’ve been shitting digested death for nearly thirty years. </p> <p>So I’m probably going to die sooner rather than later, but what about the years I have left, will I be able to enjoy them, specifically the period between 1pm and 2pm called lunch time. No because I can’t happily eat anything. </p> <p>Tuna – over exploited fish stocks, plus dolphin/albatross bycatch carnage, unethical.<br> Chicken – misery meat kept alive with antibiotics, unethical.<br> Ham, sausage, chorizo – CANCER!<br> Egg – see chicken but these poor beasts are kept alive for eggs and kept in a cage the size of a goldfish bowl. </p> <p>As you can see I’m not happy. I remember when I was a lad back at school, blissfully eating refrigerated death from a Tupperware box, the racists at play around me had a phrase for the way I feel right now. When they felt like someone had ripped them off, taken away something that was theirs, they used to say I’ve been Jew'd. That’s what I feel like now, they’ve taken away my ham and I’ve been Jew'd. </p> <p>Punchline over. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/08/28/swines-6840235/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-08-25:/2009/08/25/brent-cross-ikea-6818991/mjohnson2009-08-25T15:30:10+02:002009-08-25T15:30:10+02:00 <p>I wrote an online review of the <a href="http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=ikea+Ltd+2+Drury+Way,+London,+NW10%E2%80%8E&sll=51.607783,-0.153809&sspn=0.438376,0.970917&ie=UTF8&ll=51.556829,-0.258865&spn=0.006524,0.015171&z=16&iwloc=A&iwd=1&cid=6308930303110801502">Brent Cross Ikea</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>This store is huge and blue you can’t miss it, anyone who has driven along the North circular in London will have seen it. The North Circular is one of the most depressing places in London, if not the earth. The sides of the road are closely lined with semi detached houses stained grey with car exhaust. Apart from miserable semi detached houses and the huge Ikea super-store the other thing you will see frequently on the North Circular is self storage warehouses. The superstore, the semis and the self store warehouses combine to create an interesting food chain. Ikea produces millions of tons of unnecessary debris, which is collected by the miserable residents of the miserable semis, in an attempt to restrain their misery, until their homes can’t hold any more stuff, so they ship the overflowing detritus to the self store warehouses where it sits until, in millions of years, it turns into coal. All this unnecessary shipping of unnecessary crap clogs the road up, so that no one can get anywhere using the North Circular without being subjected to a horrendous traffic jam and by doing so turning some poor miserable bastard’s house grey with car exhaust. </p></blockquote> <p>I have never been to Ikea. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/08/25/brent-cross-ikea-6818991/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-08-18:/2009/08/18/press-release-6750461/mjohnson2009-08-18T10:43:53+02:002009-08-18T10:43:53+02:00 <p>"Phil Collins, the star of Buster, has died today in a freak accident while fixing a TV ariel. This is reminiscent of Rod Hull who died while trying to adjust the reception during a Man Utd game. Rod Hull was a popular children’s entertainer in the 80's, and was rarely, if ever, seen without his trusted sidekick Emu. Emu's are the second largest birds, and largest to be found in Australia. Australia is the sixth largest country by land area; however has a relatively small population. The country with the largest population is the people's republic of China. </p> <p>The funeral is yet to be announced but looks set to be bigger than Jacko's. </p> <p>Retuers 18/08/09"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/08/18/press-release-6750461/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-08-14:/2009/08/14/time-wasting-game-6724760/mjohnson2009-08-14T17:29:27+02:002009-08-15T16:43:20+02:00 <p><a href="http://www.virtuallydateariane.com/#">http://www.virtuallydateariane.com/#</a></p> <p>This game has been the smash hit time wasting option in my office this week, even managing to push setting up your fantasy football team into second place. The game is amazingly straightforward; you have to choose what to do next in a series of situations with the aim of getting in Ariane’s knickers. The choices are pretty simple. I have one tip, try and avoid the temptation of acting like a sleeze for as long as possible. Just remember, if you woo her, she will put out. </p> <p>It’s got to the point in this office that the game has turned into a spectator sport. More than once I have seen upwards of five grown men, all well paid professionals, standing round a computer shouting with the excitement of the thrill of the pixelated chase. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/08/14/time-wasting-game-6724760/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-08-14:/2009/08/14/frightening-prospect-6724544/mjohnson2009-08-14T17:10:58+02:002009-08-15T16:38:19+02:00 <p>I was thinking about the <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8196564.stm">story </a>of the Brazilian TV Presenter who started to order murders to raise the ratings of his TV show and I started thinking about a world in which everyone was as self serving; a world in which fishmongers give away free penguins with every purchase; a world in which florists start arguments between couples; a world in which firemen build houses from coal and all restaurants give you the shits. What would it be like to live in a world like that? </p> <p>It would be very strange, you’d go into a pub to have your thirst quenched and they’d sell you a load of salty snacks. If you had an operation in hospital you’d get infected with a deviously hard to treat bacterial infection and end up having to have another operation. Health food shops would invent all sorts of new ailments and all sorts of new ways to treat them. Magazines would tell you what the right clothes to wear are, and then sell you the clothes, and then they’d change their definition of what the right clothes are, so you have to buy another copy of their magazine to find out what new clothes to buy and so on. In this world when someone designs a new product, say a smart phone, they’d release it missing vital features (like 3G or video, or cut and paste 4 fucks sake) and then release new versions with the features installed so that you can pay to upgrade. Oh and politicians they’d do all sorts of things, especially if they had links to the oil industry and ran companies that supplied the army, then they’d invade Middle Eastern countries and award massive contracts to themselves. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/08/14/frightening-prospect-6724544/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-27:/2009/07/27/men-s-health-6598568/mjohnson2009-07-27T17:01:15+02:002009-08-28T17:13:05+02:00 <p>It has been said that Swine Flu has killed Man Flu. Before this summer’s prime-time pandemic came around, when a man started groaning and calling out in an effected murmur for the final embrace of sweet death, the lady in their life rolled their eyes and asked in a their most patronising voice “are you sicky wicky, has diddums got Man Flu”. </p> <p>This system may have lacked compassion but at least it worked. Men got on with the important job of being men and forgot about the time they sneezed and bequeathed their X-box to their neighbour’s Nephew. Sinks were unblocked, things got covered in grease, spiders were courageously removed from baths and whenever a complicated electrical device malfunctioned a man was on hand to take the back off with a screw driver, peer at the indecipherable maze of circuit boards, and declare with the steely authority of a man that, “yes, it is broken”, but since Swine Flu Women have put to one side this healthy level of scepticism and have started to feel concern. After all they might have swine flu. </p> <p>The NHS and the medical profession is in general is so overpoweringly obsessed with problems related to tits and vaginas that men’s health was, previously, entirely the preserve of one magazine read entirely by gay men. Many doctors, having never been in a Soho hair salon, have never even seen a copy and therefore don’t know the slightest thing about the afflictions of the flatulent Sex. </p> <p>Having never had any attention paid to their ailments before some men, me included, are getting a little carried away. Yesterday in the car on the way home from a festival, having had the very mildest case of the sniffles the previous night, I started to feel hot, “God I think I’m burning up”. My head was felt, I was undeniably hot. This was it, I was done for, Swine Flu for sure; this was a solemn serious diagnosis, everyone was very concerned. </p> <p>No one seemed to notice the bright pink face . . . it was sunburn. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/27/men-s-health-6598568/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-22:/2009/07/22/panic-pandemic-6565398/mjohnson2009-07-22T11:04:18+02:002009-07-22T11:04:18+02:00 <p>I’ve just read a piece in the Guardian. Apparently the panic surrounding the swine flu is more dangerous than swine flu. <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/jul/21/swine-flu-fear-deaths">LINK</a>. </p> <p>More dangerous than swine flu! How can that be possible? As if we didn’t have enough problems. People are panicking everywhere. There are about ten people panicking in my office right now. How am I supposed to stop myself from catching it? Where is the government, why haven’t they set up a panic line? This is a panic pandemic. Get the kids, lock them in the basement; buy gold, tinned fruit and bottled water; surround your house in barbed wire. This is the big one. Where all going to die of a global panic pandemic and there’s nothing you can do about it – agggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~! </p> <p>I think I’ve got it. I feel kind of panicky. Help, I’m done for, save yourself. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/22/panic-pandemic-6565398/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-16:/2009/07/16/plynth-synth-6527809/mjohnson2009-07-16T16:58:58+02:002009-07-16T16:58:58+02:00 <p>I’m enjoying the plinth. The <a href="http://www.oneandother.co.uk/">webcam</a> is good, gives you something to look at in the office while you watch the ashes score tick by. No nudity as yet, bloody amateurs. Why have Britain’s professional ‘Live web cam’ girls not been called on to represent? Anyway, after I’d put the lack of professional pornographers to one side I got to thinking about what I’d get up to if I got a go on the plinth. </p> <p>If I got a go on the plinth:</p> <p>I’d dress as a giant mangy pigeon covered in little Nelsons<br> I’d represent Britain by undermining any movement towards European federalism<br> I’d support my favourite charity the Samaritans by not jumping off<br> I’d send thousands to their death in foreign wars so I could be more like all the other statues<br> I’d cast myself in bronze, melt myself down, and sell myself to gypsies<br> I’d drink two litres of white cider and try to sell passers by the same crumpled, out of date, copy of the Big Issue<br> I’d steal a traffic cone and wear it throughout as a hilarious witch’s hat<br> I'd get Keyboard Cat to play me off </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/16/plynth-synth-6527809/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-15:/2009/07/15/mjohnson-speaks-to-himself-6520615/mjohnson2009-07-15T17:40:09+02:002009-07-15T17:40:09+02:00 <p>A while back I went through a phase of writing short questionnaires and sending them to the great and good. Unfortunately the response was underwhelming (most people didn’t respond, those that did were wonderful). I had a few spare, so I decided to ask them to myself. If you want something done properly . . . </p> <p>1. Volcanoes are romantic in the sense that they are powerful demonstrations of the Earth’s essential energy, but at the same time they are terrifyingly destructive. Where is your favourite volcano and do you love them, fear them, or perhaps you’re indifferent to them. Can you tell me?</p> <p>I think if I found a volcano in my kitchen at night scurrying over the worktops I’d be terrified, but generally I’m indifferent. My favourite volcano is probably Dante’s Peak starring Pierce Brosnan. I like a nice explosive volcano. The whole of the world should know when it’s gone off. It should blow up like an atom bomb in a can of beans and end up looking like someone just punched planet earth in the face. I don’t like volcanoes that ooze magma like a festering wound. No one likes oozing, everyone likes explosions; volcanoes are you listening! </p> <p>2. ‘Crumbs’ is a lovely little expression isn’t it?</p> <p>You’re telling me! </p> <p>‘Crumbs’ is best deployed as an understatement: </p> <p>“So my Dad chopped off his own penis and threw it at the neighbour’s teenage daughter.” </p> <p>“Crumbs”. </p> <p>3. Samuel Goldwyn once said – “I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.” What was the most expensive truth you’ve ever told? </p> <p>Pleading guilty. </p> <p>4. Global Warming is a hot topic these days (pun intended). To reduce atmospheric CO2 concentrations I’m collecting cans of fizzy drinks and sequestering them under my stairs. Will you support my endeavour financially?</p> <p>You and I both know this is another one of your highly unethical plans to extract money from the well meaning to fund your Fanta addiction. </p> <p>5. My elderly neighbour has turned blue and is complaining of the most terrible chest pains in a strangled whisper. Should I call an ambulance? </p> <p>Is it Swine Flu? If it is Swine Flu then they won’t send an ambulance, they’ll just seal of the house E.T. style, but I think it sounds like a heart attack, so I’d say yes, call an ambulance and quick; unless it is a heart attack resulting from a high fever, bought on by the swine flu virus weakening the heart muscles of the elderly person. If it is that kind of heart attack chuck a blanket over them, hide them in your toy cupboard and feed them on Reese's Pieces, then buy them a potted marigold – be prepared to escape on your BMX. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/15/mjohnson-speaks-to-himself-6520615/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-13:/2009/07/13/lost-pigeon-6505487/mjohnson2009-07-13T16:41:43+02:002009-07-13T16:44:01+02:00 <p>A friend of mine found one of these in London with a London number on it and ‘call Steve’ at the end, a very funny, if not entirely original, practical joke. She thought it was so funny she took it home and stuck it up on her bedroom door. I find this version on the interweb. </p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/lost_pigeon/3681841" title="lost pigeon"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/841/3681841_2f4ab4b08a_m.jpg" alt="lost pigeon"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/lost-pigeon-6505487/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-10:/2009/07/10/crowd-wise-you-are-6485253/mjohnson2009-07-10T16:01:43+02:002009-07-10T16:01:43+02:00 <p>There’s a fire in London today. Fires are a nice bit of excitement in a boring office. People start popping up saying things like “I can smell smoke”, then we all earnestly discuss whether we should be evacuating, knowing full well we have no intention of evacuating without a fire alarm. </p> <p>We’ll dutifully walk out of a building every time the fire alarm is sounded without the slightest sign of danger, but when the room is evidently filling with smoke we’ll do absolutely nothing. We are strange stupid creatures. </p> <p>To find out where the fire was I searched for ‘fire’ on Twitter. Twitter is great for finding fires. You can be absolutely sure that someone will tweet a picture of any fire. It’s just one of those things, you have to tell people about. It’s a deep seated instinct to yell fire to everyone and anyone, even if they’re reading it on a computer on another continent. It turned out to be in <a href="http://twitpic.com/9vy25">Dean Street, in Soho</a>, miles away, so we were all able to relax and get back to work.</p> <p>Finding this all out on Twitter got me thinking about citizen journalism and the wisdom of the crowd and I realised I haven’t had a web poll in ages, so without further a do – WEB POLL!</p> <p> <a href="http://www.micropoll.com/akira/mpview/623497-182931">Click Here for Poll</a><a href="http://www.questionpro.com" title="online surveys">Online Survey</a><br> | <a href="http://www.micropoll.com" title="Website Polls">Website Polls</a><br> | <a href="http://www.contactpro.com" title="email marketing">Email Marketing</a><br><br> | <a href="http://www.ideascale.com" title="crowdsourcing">Crowdsourcing</a><br><a href="http://www.micropoll.com/akira/MicroPoll?mode=html&id=182931">View MicroPoll</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/10/crowd-wise-you-are-6485253/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-08:/2009/07/08/teen-pregnancy-project-ditched-6471376/mjohnson2009-07-08T12:12:26+02:002009-07-08T14:34:49+02:00 <p>A multi million pound NHS programme to reduce teen pregnancy has been cancelled after results have shown that the rate of pregnancy increased within the group compared to similarly at risk groups not in the programme. </p> <p>The scheme, which was based on a successful Dutch model that ran in a number of brothels in Amsterdam's red light district, involved teens meeting once a week with a specially trained mentor known as a Madam.</p> <p>An NHS spokesperson defended the decision to apply the Dutch model to British teenagers “In these brothels the girls have sex with up to ten men a night, they’re having sex thousands of times a year, but none of them get pregnant, that’s impressive figures. . . They use these magic pills and bucket loads of Jonny’s, bucket loads!”</p> <p>The programme sought to teach the teenagers birth control strategies highlighted in the Dutch study such as, putting a Jonny on with your mouth, anal, tit wanks and swallowing it all down. The programme also replicated life skills classes. These were designed to give the teenagers, many of whom have social and behavioural problems, the confidence to handle a punter. The classes covered a wide range of subjects including 'keeping it neat down there', mood lighting and money handling. </p> <p>Though the results did demonstrate an increased understanding of available contraceptive methods and a higher uptake of sexual health services within the group, they failed to reduce the overall rate of pregnancy, the government’s key measure of success.</p> <p>The national programme director said it would be wrong “to dismiss the lessons learned from the study. What we discovered was that, though being on the game gives these teenagers a strong incentive not to get pregnant, the fact remains that they can still make nearly as much money by getting knocked up and claiming benefits, and they get a house if they’re on the social. Given the choice of being a prostitute or a teenage Mum many of these teenagers are still opting for teenage pregnancy which is disappointing.” </p> <p><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8139315.stm">http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8139315.stm</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/08/teen-pregnancy-project-ditched-6471376/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-07:/2009/07/07/johnson-fest-6466434/mjohnson2009-07-07T16:38:14+02:002009-07-07T16:38:14+02:00 <p>This is it people – it’s your last chance to snap up a ticket for the inaugural Johnson Fest: Johnson Fest 2009. This years festival is to hosted at Tim’s house, 15 The Grove, Sydenham, SE26. Tickets are £150 and are available . . . they’re selling out fast. </p> <p>There’s an outstanding line up:</p> <p>Bands:</p> <p>The Waz / Lucky Bears / Rat’s Tea Party / Jimmy & the Sausages / China Owl / Mummy’s Teapot / Tarot Hooker / Flail / Sicky 6 / Goodbye Piano / Chris & The Crisps / Grundies / The Epileptic Elves / Tina Spanks / Egg and Spoon Race / Chunky / Friends Houseboat / Tim / AK-forty-heaven / Fired From My Arse / Folk Ferrari / Jizzy Parks (acoustic) / Your Mum Licks / The Yellow Toothed Creature Band / Leaf Mould / The Creases / Antonio e Antonio / Crumbs / Minus plus still more to announced . . . </p> <p>&DJs: </p> <p>Tim / DJ DoleScum / SubPrime / Barry B / Surround Sound System / Scratch Mark / Jukebox Jig / Big Beat Pete / The Graphic Equaliser (I have a dream) / Music Skillz / MC Missy’s Crabs / Tim’s iPod on Shuffle plus still more to be announced . . . </p> <p>Also featuring: </p> <p>The Spectacular Fighting Girls / The Krakow Cabaret / The Russian Roulette Tent / Face Slapping / Jew vs Christian / Sheep Shearing Demonstrations and assorted vagrants/buskers . . . </p> <p>Book now to secure one of our luxury bear pits only £50 for the weekend, children go free if accompanied by a packet of Rennie. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/johnson-fest-6466434/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-06:/2009/07/06/dear-diary-6460189/mjohnson2009-07-06T17:42:09+02:002009-07-06T17:42:09+02:00 <p>Life’s complicated when you have a girlfriend. I don’t mean complicated in a Dawson’s Creek, anxty soundtrack, oh other people’s feelings are so complicated, hey let’s watch black and white films, oh I know we can project them onto my massive forehead, type of way. I mean, literally, logistically complicated. </p> <p>What seems to occur is a symptom I’ve dubbed ‘social doubling by proxy’. This essentially means that when you achieve the status of boyfriend you automatically gain entry to every social event that your girlfriend is invited too and visa versa. Logistically this can be difficult. I find it difficult remembering to breathe, I have an organisational disability. I forget my Mother’s birthday for God’s sake. Every year the date passes without even a flicker of recognition from me. It’s as if she was never born. What does this say about me? I am a person who thinks his mother was never born. </p> <p>Clearly I am ill equipped to deal with such a sharp increase in ‘popularity’ and the engagements that go with it. Practically, up to this point, this has meant that every morning when I wake up I’m gently reminded of my schedule for the day and told to dress appropriately. This is good in that life is a constant surprise, a new day full of possibilities, who knows what the evening will bring, who am I having dinner with today? Unfortunately it is almost exactly the same as having Alzheimer’s. </p> <p>Clearly there are problems with being the demented one in a relationship. Knowledge is power, if you don’t even know what you are doing tomorrow, then how can you have any influence over it? I need to regain control over my social life. I need to be able to say yes, I can come out for drinks when asked. Right now I just look blank, shrug my shoulders and say ‘I’ll have to ask my girlfriend’. This is why, today, I have started a diary.</p> <p>In the old days diaries were out of the reach of people like me. The problem was that the same thing that meant that you relied heavily upon a diary was exactly the same reason that you would leave your diary on a bus, or drop it in a river, or accidentally use it as kindling, but now they have them online http:// calender.google.com I’m even able to make the girlfriend a co-author so that she doesn’t resent it usurping her! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/06/dear-diary-6460189/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-02:/2009/07/02/c-v-6438113/mjohnson2009-07-02T17:57:22+02:002009-07-02T18:01:10+02:00 <p>With talk of redundancy in the air I thought it was time for me to dust of the old C.V. and update it with all my recent achievements!</p> <p><strong>Date of birth:</strong> I was concieved, millions of other sperm didn’t even make it. My first serious achievement. I then made it through birth without killing my mother unlike Oliver Twist and made it through infanthood without dying of a preventable disease unlike millions of children in the third world.</p> <p><strong>Education:</strong></p> <p><u>School</u> - I finished school, I didn’t get expelled like Lilly Allen, or shoot the place up like some crazy nut job and I certainly wasn’t involved in any wizard shinanigans that resulted in the death of my headmaster.</p> <p><u>A-Levels </u>– I did these, Richard Branson didn’t.</p> <p><u>University</u> – I went to one! I was educated to degree level without becoming a weirdo christian unlike the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.</p> <p><u>Post doctorial work</u> – I, like Bill Gates, have never achieved a Phd.</p> <p><strong>Work experience</strong> – Unlike 26.7% of the people in this country I have a job, also I don’t claim job seekers allowance like 1.5 million people in the UK who currently do. </p> <p><strong>Achievements:</strong></p> <p>Unlike Genghis Khan I have never raped anyone or pillaged anyones lands. Unlike Jesus Christ I have never caused a disturbance in the temple or been executed by the Romans. Unlike the Buddha I don’t waste my days hanging around under trees thinking. Unlike Price Charles I have never had an affair. Unlike Zinadine Zidane I have never lost a world cup final or headbutted anyone; in fact I have never been red carded in competitive football and the football team I play for has never been relegated from the preiership unlike millionare footballer Michael Owen. I have never died in a failed race to the south pole or in a foolhardy attempt to climb mount everest unlike 203 people. I have never failed to finish a marathon that I started (marathons started zero). I’ve never embezelled a pension fund unlike Rupert Murdock, or commited purgery like Lord Archer. I have a cordial relationship with my mother unlike Eminem and I have never beheaded my cousin unlike Queen Elizabeth the first. Unlike Tony Blair I have never been forced to stand down as the leader of the Labour party, or started a war in Iraq. I never got involved with the mob unlike Frank Sinatra. I have never drunkenly sworn on national television, unlike Tracey Emin, or Oliver Reed. I have never lost an election unlike Wiston Churchill. John Lennon once wasted a whole week of his life in bed, I have never done this. Unlike Florence Nightingale a patient of mine has never died of Cholera. Unlike Neil Armstrong I have never fluffed my lines while standing on the moon. Unlike most of the richest people in the world I have never lost millions on the stock market. I have never filed for bankruptcy unlike the corporation General Motors. Not having a mortgage I have never missed a single repayment and I have not lost a single proffesional darts match. </p> <p>Pass my details on to anyone you think might be interested. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/02/c-v-6438113/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:mgfgtg.blog.co.uk,2009-07-02:/2009/07/02/impotent-rage-6435948/mjohnson2009-07-02T11:18:50+02:002009-07-02T12:42:07+02:00 <p>I had a little road rage incident this morning. I was riding with my girlfriend, on bicycles, two abreast, when some middle aged accountant in a BMW zoomed round us horn blaring. I called him a cock and made the wanker sign. Ten meters further up the road at the red traffic lights. The lights that Mr important had wanted to reach so urgently that he had used all 150 of his horse power over ten meters to reach. Mr Important and I had a brief and frank exchange of opinions. </p> <p>Mr Important felt that cyclists were required to use the road in single file; I on the other hand was firmly of the opinion that the Highway Code allowed cyclists to travel two abreast. The argument descended into farce. Mr Important claimed ‘two’ was only permitted in cycle lanes. No it’s not I replied. He then asked what I would do if an emergency vehicle was coming. Move over, I replied. Easy, if you’re going to test someone on their highway code, angrily, at high volume, at a busy intersection, personally I’d choose a more difficult question. How about should you shout abuse at cyclists at intersections? </p> <p>It was a pointless argument. I’m going to claim victory on the grounds that Mr Important wound his window up and down during the argument, making himself look like a pussy. Also he started it by honking his horn and having the face of a prick. The Highway Code is not definitive on the correct answer. You can ride side by side as long as you aren’t on a bend and the road isn’t busy or narrow. (He was way off with his bike lane comment). It was a fairly large road, wide enough for Mr Important to pass us, was it busy? Not particularly, but it was in London, so no road is empty. As cyclists we could have been more considerate, but we were turning right and approaching a red light SO CHILL OUT YOU BMW KNOB TWAT. </p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/single_file/3649369" title="Single File"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/369/3649369_ff8fb41a58_m.jpg" alt="Single File"></a></p> <p class="center"><em>IVF sounds like a good idea until you find yourself aged fifty with two abreast. </em></p> <p>I still lost however because I ended up really stressed and looking like a tit. The lights changed during our tête-à-tête and the van in front of us didn’t move. Probably too amused by the scene we were causing to miss any by pulling away. I can still feel the stress in me now and it’s nearly two hours later. I was coming back from an early morning swim in the Lido. I was feeling really good, maybe a little too smug, but chilled, happy. It was a glorious day – it still is to most people – sun’s shining, girl by my side. Lesson learned – let it go, life’s too short. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2009/07/02/impotent-rage-6435948/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>