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Someone’s been messing with my lunch. I can’t seem to decide what to eat any more. You see my number one sandwich choice used to be ham, BBQ Ham and elemental cheese bloomer to be precise. I love a bit of ham, a slice of pastrami, a slither of saucisson, a bite of bratwurst, a jowl-full of jambon. I like pork dam it. So what happened, The World Cancer Research Fund, that’s what happened? These fools have messed with my meat. They called Cancer on it.

Last Monday The World Cancer Research Fund advised parents not to put ham in their children’s sandwiches unless they want their children to die slowly and painfully with no hair. Who wants that, not me, we must save the children, but what about all the children who have grown up into twenty nine year old balding men and now, because they’ve eaten hundreds of pigs in their life, are on the certain brink of cancerous death. In other words spare a thought for me.

My childhood lunchbox contained either ham or corned beef; corned beef in the eighties was made entirely from the spinal columns and brains of insane cows! I’ve been shitting digested death for nearly thirty years.

So I’m probably going to die sooner rather than later, but what about the years I have left, will I be able to enjoy them, specifically the period between 1pm and 2pm called lunch time. No because I can’t happily eat anything.

Tuna – over exploited fish stocks, plus dolphin/albatross bycatch carnage, unethical.
Chicken – misery meat kept alive with antibiotics, unethical.
Ham, sausage, chorizo – CANCER!
Egg – see chicken but these poor beasts are kept alive for eggs and kept in a cage the size of a goldfish bowl.

As you can see I’m not happy. I remember when I was a lad back at school, blissfully eating refrigerated death from a Tupperware box, the racists at play around me had a phrase for the way I feel right now. When they felt like someone had ripped them off, taken away something that was theirs, they used to say I’ve been Jew'd. That’s what I feel like now, they’ve taken away my ham and I’ve been Jew'd.

Punchline over.

I wrote an online review of the Brent Cross Ikea:

This store is huge and blue you can’t miss it, anyone who has driven along the North circular in London will have seen it. The North Circular is one of the most depressing places in London, if not the earth. The sides of the road are closely lined with semi detached houses stained grey with car exhaust. Apart from miserable semi detached houses and the huge Ikea super-store the other thing you will see frequently on the North Circular is self storage warehouses. The superstore, the semis and the self store warehouses combine to create an interesting food chain. Ikea produces millions of tons of unnecessary debris, which is collected by the miserable residents of the miserable semis, in an attempt to restrain their misery, until their homes can’t hold any more stuff, so they ship the overflowing detritus to the self store warehouses where it sits until, in millions of years, it turns into coal. All this unnecessary shipping of unnecessary crap clogs the road up, so that no one can get anywhere using the North Circular without being subjected to a horrendous traffic jam and by doing so turning some poor miserable bastard’s house grey with car exhaust.

I have never been to Ikea.

"Phil Collins, the star of Buster, has died today in a freak accident while fixing a TV ariel. This is reminiscent of Rod Hull who died while trying to adjust the reception during a Man Utd game. Rod Hull was a popular children’s entertainer in the 80's, and was rarely, if ever, seen without his trusted sidekick Emu. Emu's are the second largest birds, and largest to be found in Australia. Australia is the sixth largest country by land area; however has a relatively small population. The country with the largest population is the people's republic of China.

The funeral is yet to be announced but looks set to be bigger than Jacko's.

Retuers 18/08/09"

http://www.virtuallydateariane.com/#

This game has been the smash hit time wasting option in my office this week, even managing to push setting up your fantasy football team into second place. The game is amazingly straightforward; you have to choose what to do next in a series of situations with the aim of getting in Ariane’s knickers. The choices are pretty simple. I have one tip, try and avoid the temptation of acting like a sleeze for as long as possible. Just remember, if you woo her, she will put out.

It’s got to the point in this office that the game has turned into a spectator sport. More than once I have seen upwards of five grown men, all well paid professionals, standing round a computer shouting with the excitement of the thrill of the pixelated chase.

I was thinking about the story of the Brazilian TV Presenter who started to order murders to raise the ratings of his TV show and I started thinking about a world in which everyone was as self serving; a world in which fishmongers give away free penguins with every purchase; a world in which florists start arguments between couples; a world in which firemen build houses from coal and all restaurants give you the shits. What would it be like to live in a world like that?

It would be very strange, you’d go into a pub to have your thirst quenched and they’d sell you a load of salty snacks. If you had an operation in hospital you’d get infected with a deviously hard to treat bacterial infection and end up having to have another operation. Health food shops would invent all sorts of new ailments and all sorts of new ways to treat them. Magazines would tell you what the right clothes to wear are, and then sell you the clothes, and then they’d change their definition of what the right clothes are, so you have to buy another copy of their magazine to find out what new clothes to buy and so on. In this world when someone designs a new product, say a smart phone, they’d release it missing vital features (like 3G or video, or cut and paste 4 fucks sake) and then release new versions with the features installed so that you can pay to upgrade. Oh and politicians they’d do all sorts of things, especially if they had links to the oil industry and ran companies that supplied the army, then they’d invade Middle Eastern countries and award massive contracts to themselves.