With talk of redundancy in the air I thought it was time for me to dust of the old C.V. and update it with all my recent achievements!

Date of birth: I was concieved, millions of other sperm didn’t even make it. My first serious achievement. I then made it through birth without killing my mother unlike Oliver Twist and made it through infanthood without dying of a preventable disease unlike millions of children in the third world.

Education:

School - I finished school, I didn’t get expelled like Lilly Allen, or shoot the place up like some crazy nut job and I certainly wasn’t involved in any wizard shinanigans that resulted in the death of my headmaster.

A-Levels – I did these, Richard Branson didn’t.

University – I went to one! I was educated to degree level without becoming a weirdo christian unlike the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.

Post doctorial work – I, like Bill Gates, have never achieved a Phd.

Work experience – Unlike 26.7% of the people in this country I have a job, also I don’t claim job seekers allowance like 1.5 million people in the UK who currently do.

Achievements:

Unlike Genghis Khan I have never raped anyone or pillaged anyones lands. Unlike Jesus Christ I have never caused a disturbance in the temple or been executed by the Romans. Unlike the Buddha I don’t waste my days hanging around under trees thinking. Unlike Price Charles I have never had an affair. Unlike Zinadine Zidane I have never lost a world cup final or headbutted anyone; in fact I have never been red carded in competitive football and the football team I play for has never been relegated from the preiership unlike millionare footballer Michael Owen. I have never died in a failed race to the south pole or in a foolhardy attempt to climb mount everest unlike 203 people. I have never failed to finish a marathon that I started (marathons started zero). I’ve never embezelled a pension fund unlike Rupert Murdock, or commited purgery like Lord Archer. I have a cordial relationship with my mother unlike Eminem and I have never beheaded my cousin unlike Queen Elizabeth the first. Unlike Tony Blair I have never been forced to stand down as the leader of the Labour party, or started a war in Iraq. I never got involved with the mob unlike Frank Sinatra. I have never drunkenly sworn on national television, unlike Tracey Emin, or Oliver Reed. I have never lost an election unlike Wiston Churchill. John Lennon once wasted a whole week of his life in bed, I have never done this. Unlike Florence Nightingale a patient of mine has never died of Cholera. Unlike Neil Armstrong I have never fluffed my lines while standing on the moon. Unlike most of the richest people in the world I have never lost millions on the stock market. I have never filed for bankruptcy unlike the corporation General Motors. Not having a mortgage I have never missed a single repayment and I have not lost a single proffesional darts match.

Pass my details on to anyone you think might be interested.