My girlfriend went to a wedding at the weekend. She was telling me about one of the guests and how she managed to entrance most of the men in the place. From her description she was an archetypal Californian girl, straight out of the O.C. This meant: skinny, tall, tanned, blonde, in a tiny slip of a dress, with fake boobs.
Now the girlfriend was sure they were fake and even managed to wheedle a confession out of her the next day. It seems O.C. had them installed when she was just seventeen when it became apparent that nature wasn’t going to produce any for her. They’re old style implants, this was why you could tell they were fakes. The G.F. even managed to cop a feel, she confirmed, you can tell.
O.C. confessed to G.F. that she doesn’t like having fake boobs anymore. Apparently it’s a burden being stared at by men everywhere you go; though not enough of a burden to stop her wearing tiny little dresses to weddings. Now I’m a little sceptical of this tale of woe and prosthetic appendages. I can understand why getting stared at must be difficult, especially if you are insecure in the first place, but surely having the power to hypnotise men into doing your bidding at all times must go some way to making up for it. I suspect it was a conciliatory tack meant to appease the ladies. Women get jealous and nobody likes a cheat.
Regardless of the legitimacy of her appeals for sympathy it is undeniable, from what the G.F. had to say, that the tits were both fascinating and phoney – man mesmerising mock-ups if you will. They were clearly unnatural, but this didn’t stop them being attractive, in fact, to the annoyance of anyone with normal knockers these were knock outs. Jaws dropped, drool was spilled, tongues lolled. These things could lobotomise a man from fifty yards.
This phenomenon reminded me of something I learned about in Uni. Superstimuli, this is a term first used by the Dutch Ornithologist Nikolaas Tinbergen, a Nobel Prize Winner no less. His work involved Herring Gull chicks and their innate response to a stimulus (he didn’t win the N.P. for this work btw). The stimulus was a three dimensional model of an adult Herring Gull’s head with a yellow beak and a red spot on the end. The chicks peck the red spot to prompt the adult bird to regurgitate food for them. Tests in the lab showed beyond doubt that the chicks were attracted to the red spot, but by counting the number of pecks, Tinbergen was able to demonstrate, that a red knitting needle with white bands painted round it elicited a stronger response than a natural, life like, model of a bird’s head, the red and white bands were examples of a super stimuli.
The knitting needle, like the tits, looked nothing like the real thing, but the Herring Gull chicks, like the men at the wedding, had an overwhelming urge to peck at it. Men it transpires are no more sophisticated in their desires than helpless, half blind, infant, seagulls. Most women are well aware of this, but I have proved it. Can I have my Nobel Prize now please.
