I nicked the idea for this post from Meg Pickard who used the more imaginative, but less punchy title: ‘Watching the Defectives’ thanks Meg. Here’s a list of tasks/stunts I’m expecting to see on this years Big Brother:
Birth – place a heavily pregnant cow in the garden. The housemates have to deliver the calf. To help them provide them with a James Herriot box set.
The Twits – in an homage to Mr Twits prank on Mrs Twit in which he glued small pieces of wood on the bottom of her cane every night to convince her she was shrinking and then stretched her. Give the house the viewing figures on a daily basis, but lie, show them rising faster and faster until the figures are at record levels. When the housemate’s egos are suitably distended introduce a task with lots of nudity, ministry of silly walks meets Ibiza foam party, have the ratings plummet to record lows and watch the housemate’s egos implode in an orgy of self loathing and body dismorphia.
Porn – wallpaper the walls with hard porn images. Use a special effect to make the walls appear normal on television.
The Racist – every time someone uses the shoe severely reprimand them for racism. The housemates will stop using the word shoe. Wait for one of them to slip up then throw them out to the very audible sound of public outrage, the blood thirsty mob. A couple of days later have burning shoes thrown into the garden.
The Channel – a hatch at the bottom of the pool opens onto a flooded underwater tunnel that, through a series of underwater breathing chambers, leads to a demonstration paddling pool in a nearby B&Q showroom.
Dirty Protest – smear the walls with shit.
Hamsters – infest the house with hundreds and thousands of hamsters. For added effect have the hamsters drop through holes in the ceiling.
Earth Quake – simulate an earth quake in the house. This should open up a mock fissure in the crust of the earth. When the housemates investigate the fissure they discover a secret world inhabited by real dinosaurs.
Holiday – tell all the housemates that due to new European work time regulations they have to be let out of the house for a week’s holiday mid way through the process. They are still bound by the rules of Big Brother and should not watch any television, or they will not be allowed back in. Meanwhile fill the house with a whole new cast of contestants. When the others return, deny they were ever involved and have security remove them from the production offices.
Dope – supply one of the taps in the house with a weak solution of methadone instead of water, if some of the house mates favour this tap over others gradually increase the dosage before cutting off the tap completely.
