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As I work in an office I occasionally have 'water cooler' moments. That means a chat in the kitchen. I was at the water cooler making tea (it's does hot and cold water - I suspect the dark arts) while my collegues were discussing today's 'news' about Megan Fox. Megan Fox is the Hollywood tit-board that starred in the Transformers movie. Recently she was paid by a magazine to appear in her undies and get her publicist to approve and fill in a list of questions posing as an interview. Said publicist chose to reveal that Megan is a bi-sexual. This knowledge is, according to the tabloid newspapers, enough to make anyone with red blood and a cock go all sweaty round the neck line. They're right, I'm sitting here with a semi on sweating like a peado in a playground doing sit ups, my collar would catch fire if it wasn't soaked through with sweat.

"What's that" I asked.

"Apparently Megan Fox is a bisexual, except she won't have sex with other bi-sexuals, she only has sex with straight women."

"She only has sex with straight women? That's impossible, if you're a woman you can't have sex with Megan Fox and be straight at the same time."

"Oh yer".

"So you mean she only has sex with Lesbians."

"I suppose so."

I left them to contemplate the slightly dissapointing image of Megan Fox scissoring a Bull Dyke.

So another reason that I hadn't posted for a while was that I was kinda hoping that the Dianne Abbott interview would happen. On the 22 April I sent a letter to Dianne with some questions that I hoped she would answer for me. She didn't get back to me (I'm a constituent I might add) which is a real shame, but I suppose just one of those things. You learn to live with it and move on. I was pretty sore for a while, but now I'm OK talking about it, so I suppose I might as well post the questions here, unanswered by Dianne Abbott. If anyone feels qualified to answer on Dianne's behalf please go ahead and leave those in the comments section.

Letter to Dianne Abbott:

Diane Abbott MP
House of Commons
London
SW1A 0AA

Dear Ms Abbot MP

I am a member of your constituency and I have ten questions that I would like you to try and answer for me (page 2 of this letter). I’d be most appreciative if you were able to find the time during your busy day to take a look, consider a response, fill in the questionnaire, and return it to me at the above address. (I have included a stamp as I wouldn’t want you to have to put this on expenses).

Yours sincerely

Martin Johnson

N.B. I genuinely did enclose a stamp which she has kept.

Questions:

1. Rubber band balls are a popular and fun way of storing your spare rubbers. What is your favourite storage method for stationary?

2. Some members of parliament are very old, who is the oldest MP that could feasibly beat you in an arm wrestling contest?

3. Ronan Keating famously sang ‘life is a roller coaster’, assuming Ronan is correct, do you consider life’s safety record sufficiently bad (100% mortality) to warrant a suspension on health and safety grounds?

4. Anton Chekov once said: ‘Any idiot can face a crisis - it’s the day to day living that wears you out’. Life can certainly wear you out. What are your feelings about hip replacement operations?

5. Fill in the blank: Irish eyes are smiling, Scots ears are running, Welsh noses are crying, English mouths are . . . blank . . .

6. You’ve been wounded by a crossbow bolt fired by a French archer at the battle of Agincourt and you’re only half way through your shift at Greg’s the bakers. I want to buy a Steak Pasty and a packet of crisps, but I’m two pence short. Would you make me put the crisps back or let me off?

7. What is your preferred method of pest control for pigeons?

9. Rope, Pope. Can you think of the name of any other religious patriarch that rhymes with a type of binding?

10. Benjamin Disraeli once said: ‘The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps’. Have you ever jumped a chasm? Yes/No (please circle as appropriate.)

I'm not sure what happened to question 8 perhaps she has kept that too.

P.S. I know that Labour are so paranoid about the 'blogosphere' that they pay civil servants to monitor Google alerts for any blog that might mention their names in a bad light, so I also know that there is a possibility that this may be flagged up to a civil servant. I'll take this opportunity to ask them a question if I may. Is Hazel Blears as evil in real life as she looks on telly? I get cold shivers when I see that woman. The hairs on the back of my neck go up and I cower. She just comes across as the spawn of something unholy. I was just wondering if you guys picked up on that in Whitehall.

Oh Hai there, my remaining reader. I've been pretty busy recently and I haven't had the time to write blogs. I wanted to but I had other things going on, so because I felt guilty about not updating you lot I hired a team of American television comedians and gave them a fairly healthy production budget to come up with original innovative material for me. I'm pretty pleased with what they came up with, though if I'm honest they did stray a bit from the outline I gave them - no lesbians?

Oh - the link broke. It was Tim&Eric. Btw T&E R Frickin awesome.

http://www.timanderic.com/

Via Peter Serafinowicz