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Fuel Wins, Fun Lewis, We Sinful and US Elf Win are all anagrams of Swine Flu. What does this mean? Nothing you fool. You’ve been chasing the dog that barked up the wrong tree down the blind alley of ignorance all in pursuit of a red herring. Sounds like you’ve been led astray by the media. Let me enlighten you. Flu is an abbreviation. It’s the middle of the word influenza.

Influenza, commonly known as ("the") flu, is an infectious disease of birds and mammals.

It’s not until you look at the whole picture that you find the answer. Swine Influenza is an anagram of Alien Fun Wizens.

Wizened - shrivelled lean and wrinkled by shrinkage as from age or illness.

For short having sex with an alien will shrink you up like a prune and you will die. You die! So Mexican alien fuckers next time you feel the need to seed another solar system, wear protection. Next time you’re balls deep without your space suit in the interstellar space siren think, think about the impact that you, docking with the extra terrestrial little green cum receptacle, is going to have on the rest of the human race. Zero jeez.

I've managed to entrap another victim with my unusual line of questioning. Tonight I will be meeting with someone familiar to many of you. She's small, she lives in a tree stump, and she surrounds herself with woodland creatures with whom she discusses politics and the influence of cubism on 20th C art. She once gnawed someone else's arm off when they got it stuck in a threshing machine. Ladies and Gentleman I bring you the host of BBC television's 999 Emsbabee!

*Applause*

Emsbabee's lawyer has just arrived, let's start the tape and begin the quesitoning.

1) What is your favourite colour of person?

Ooh, I love the blacks. They don’t show up the dirt.

2) If you had to have an STD which one would you choose?

Can you choose then? I thought you just had to take what you were given. Is thrush an STD? No? OK, well I’ve just looked up a list on std.co.uk and I think I’d like to have NSU – a sexually transmitted infection in males who present with urethral discharge and dysuria.

3) China – discuss.

Well, according to some, China is a dreadful place where, should you be caught committing adultery, both you and your partner will be locked in a cage and pelted with rocks. I can’t remember who told me that, but I suspect they were exaggerating. I’ve always thought China looks a bit like Asia’s answer to Narnia.

4) If a train left Edinburgh station travelling at 30 miles per hour at 11 am, how many men have you slept with?

A disappointingly low number. I think 2009 may have to be the year of the uber-slut.

5) Frontdoor or backdoor?

What about side door? Or stage door? Or cat flap? Broaden your horizons!

6) Tell us about your experiences of School for Scoundrels, the 2006 film starring Billy Bob Thorton?

To date, my experiences with School for Scoundrels have been limited to looking it up on Wikipedia, briefly scanning the plot, and deciding that maybe when I am elderly and infirm, I might get round to watching it. But only if I’ve ended up living with an abusive relative, who likes to see me suffer.

7) You’ve woken up in the desert, but it’s snowing, where in the world are you?

Narnia?

No, that’s too much to hope for. Urm, to be honest, I never could make up my mind about anything, so I’m probably in purgatory. Or the lone survivor of a nuclear holocaust. Would that cause snow in the desert? This interview is bringing up a lot of pressing questions for me.

8) Terry Thomas, Terry Gilliam, or Tina Turner, which one of these stars would you choose to accompany you a canoeing trip?

Definitely not Tina Turner, her hair would tip us over. Terry Thomas is famed for playing absolute rotters, I don’t know if this has had an effect on him personall, but I don’t really want to be stuck in a canoe with him if it has. Or might. So that leaves Terry Gilliam I suppose. Who is a massive over-achiever – 4 BAFTAs and an asteroid named after him. The weight of his massive over-achievements may tip us over…

I think this canoe trip will have to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. Please see the management for a full refund.

9) Ball sack, Balzac; can you think of another French Novelist and Playwright whose name rhymes with a word for scrotum?

J K Rowling?

10) Philip K. Dick once said: Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. Which non existent thing would you like to stop believing in?

That I have a fair and reasonable chance of winning the national Lottery.

Thank you Emsbabee - I think we can say she's defo guilty. I don't need to hear any more and I certainly don't need the formality of a jury trial to make my mind up I'm just gonna put her in a holding cell and kick the shit out of her.

If you want to know more of Emsbabee's views on School for Scoundrels go to her blog - Scribblin's and Dribblin's, or you can follow Emsbabee on Twitter or both. I recomend both. It tastes soooooo good.

Welcome - welcome.

*Applause*

Thank you, thank you, and welcome to tonight with MJohnson!

*More applause*

Tonight with MJohnson is MJohnson's new chat show with me MJOHNSON!!

*Even more applause*

O.K. enough applause we've got heavy weight subjects to get through.

Tonight on Tonight with MJohnson I will be meeting Jo of 'Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open'. A freelance writer, Jo lives somewhere in London and is probably in her mid twenties or there and there abouts (didn't like to ask). Jo's blog, as well as being a overdue plea for good manners, is about people that annoy Jo. It takes an ambitious writer to cover such a broad subject area so that's why we asked Jo to be the our first guest

Let's get started, Jo you have thirty five minutes, if you need extra paper just put your hand up, obviously no talking, except to mein answer to my questions - good luck.

1) If your toothbrush was made with dog hair, which breed would you brush with?

The best option for a good, firm brush would be Jack Russell. They’re hardy little scamps aren’t they? Perhaps I’d have Jack Russell around the outside, then poodle in the middle for a softer touch. Although, saying that, if one of those curly hairs got stuck in your teeth people might think you’ve been getting down n dirty with an OAP. Better make it Labrador.

2) An apple a day . . . , Oranges and lemons . . . , can you think of a similar rhyme or saying using the fruit loganberry?

If you can’t eat dairy, try logan-berry.

3) You’re a member of the harshly theocratic organisation the Taliban and you work in a British Gas call centre, I call, I want my account balance, but I don’t have my account number, how would you deal with my call?

I’d say, “No problem sir, I can find that information for you. Is it ok if I put you on hold for a minute?”, then I’d get out my walkie talkie and speak four words: “Send in the dogs”, at which point the Taliban Canine Hit Squad would ambush your house and take you to Afghanistan as a new BT call centre recruit.

4) Shoes or wheelchairs?

As much as I’ve got a penchant for heels, it’s got to be wheelchairs. High heels don’t get you queue jump at Alton Towers.

5) If Timmy had two bananas and he gives one to Josh, do you swallow?

Mjohnson, Your mum swallows. ahahahahahahahahhaa

6) What is your favourite type of old person?

I like the old people who are proper self righteous whingers, always having a moan about something. My local post office is full of them. It’s got about 8 counters and one of those is a Bureaux de Change. There’s always a long queue, but if you just need to get currency changed you don’t have to queue with the riff raff you can just go straight to the end counter. So that’s what I did, at which point this crotchety old man, all gruff and upset n that, pipes up and yells “ERR, HELLO, THERE IS A QUEUE, YOU KNOW”. Everyone turns and stares at the hoodlum skipping the queue to get her Euros, so I went all Vicky Pollard on his arse about how “Errrr, actually, this is the Bureaux de Change, so I don’t HAVE to queue” and he beat a hasty retreat. Yeah. Know your place, oldie.

7) Tell us about your most personal inner feelings about Love, the 1964 award-winning animated short from Japanese animator Yoji Kuri.

Yoji Yoji bear, Yoji Yoji bear, Yoji’s got a film called Love, Yoji Yoji beaaaaar.

8) Stalin, Lenin or Trotsky which of these Bolsheviks would you appoint as your office’s Fire Marshall, responsible for wearing a high vis. tabard during a fire drill.

If all three were working in my office and I had to choose between them, I’d probably go for Stalin. Just because you wouldn’t fuck with Stalin. He was all inspirational and had that cult of the personality thing following him about, which meant loads of artists and poets bummed and wrote all about him when he was in power. So that makes me think that if there was a fire, or even if it was just a drill, he’d just have to stand up and people would trundle mindlessly after him, lured by his dictator stance and presence alone. Probably wouldn’t even need a fire alarm to be honest. Just get Stalin to stand up and start walking towards the exit. Done.

9) Time – discuss.

Stephen Hawkings Brief History of Time wasn’t actually very brief was it? I mean it was brief in that he could have just rambled on forever, because time is unquantifiable and subjective, but instead he kept it novel sized. I tried to read that book once but only got a few pages in before I got bored, contemplating other questions such as how ‘brief’ also came to mean ‘underpants’. There are lots of songs about time though. My favourite one begins “Time, time, time – see what’s become of me, as I look around for my possibilities, I was so hard to please.” And I urge you to sing along. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yheo2AgNywU)

10) Oscar Wilde once said: When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. What prayer do you wish you’d never made?

Once I really wished I could have lucid dreams, you know like the ones you can control. Then one day while I was in bed, I had one! I was dreaming but realised I was dreaming and thought “shit the bed, I’m dreaming, I wonder what I can do”. So I thought about flying and all of a sudden I was flying around my room – as if I was completely conscious and aware of everything. Then I was out the door and flying down the road. I wondered if I could do tricks in the air, like somersaults and diving and stuff and I could do all that, I was completely in control and everything I thought of, happened. Anyway, after a few minutes I woke up and realised I couldn’t fly. And I was pissed off that I’d woken up. Then no one cared because other people’s dreams are rubbish and boring to hear about. So no one cared, I couldn’t fly AND I’ve never been able to do it since. It’s like having winning lottery numbers then losing the ticket. Seriously. Worst thing ever.

Wow Jo, great answers. I'm afraid I can't tell you your score straight away, we need to send the show off for external marking, but I can say I throughly enjoyed your answers even if, quite clearly, some of them were, well . . . wrong. Thank you Jo!

Read Jo's Blog at: Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open.

Or Jo on Twitter

Next week on Tonight with MJohnson Diane Abbot Labour MP for Hackney North and Stoke Newington.

*Polite Applause*

I’m starting to get a bit tired of chummy marketing copy. I’m talking about a marketing technique pioneered by brands like Innocent Smoothies where the object of the marketing exercise is not to make the brand seem cool or sophisticated, something you want to be associated with, but to make the brand seem all chummy and friendly like one of your mates because people who are mates with companies aren’t mental are they, I mean companies always invite you to their sleep overs, and would never sleep with Josh because they know you really like Josh and they would never do that to you.

Here’s a taster from Innocent’s website, this is innocent’s attempt to get you to sign up for their mailing list:

Join The Family – Feel the Love.

Hello.

We were wondering if you'd like to join the innocent family. Don't worry - it's not some weird cult. It's just our way of staying in touch with the people who drink our drinks i.e. you. Every week we'll email you our news and give you the chance to win lots of drinks. We'll also invite you to nice events like the innocent village fete and maybe send you the odd present if you're lucky. Finally, we'll occasionally ask you what you reckon we should do next, as we sometimes get confused. So if you fancy it click here to join our innocent family.

This roughly translates as:

Join our Brand Franchise – Get sent emails.

Hello

Please give us your details for our mailing list. Don’t worry - it’s not a flying elephant. It’s a marketing tool. We’ll email you lots of kooky marketing gumpf in an attempt to constantly reinforce your perception of our brand as ‘lovely’ and to reinforce brand loyalty we’ll give you the odd half price voucher, but only if you fill out our brand management surveys. These are to help us to extract the maximum amount of cash from you, and people like you, as possible.

You can market anything like this, even the Nazi Party:

Join the Nazis – Feel Masterful

Hai

We were wondering if you’d like to join the lovely Nazi Party. Don’t worry – we’re not loony socialists. It’s just a way of organising people that think just like us, i.e. you. Every week you get to go to a nice S.A. meet, like the boy scouts but with more vitriol, and we’ll even give you your very own innocent Brown Shirt. Plus, you get first dibs on any of the great stuff we loot from Jewish businesses. Finally, we have really great rallies you can go to and be told which minority group to victimise next so you don’t get confused. Click here, or we’ll send other members of the S.A. round your’s for tea, and they’ll beat the shit out of you.

Way back, when Robin Hood first thieved his way to notoriety in medieval Nottinghamshire, not even his oldest hostage, the syphilitic one suffering from what will come to be known as Stockholm syndrome, would have dreamed that this bandit would one day become the hero of an animated Disney feature.

Represented by a handsome and well spoken fox, the animated version of Robin Hood turns the role of warrior outlaw away from the deadly blood and guts format familiar to modern day residents of the Gaza strip and into a family friendly woodland character. The result is a dapper ginger version of lassie who walks on his hind legs, dresses in green and talks like Dudley Moore.

Accompanied by his American chum, Little John, played by Baloo from the Jungle Book, Robin sets out to radicalise a small village of woodland animals, rabbits, mice, badgers and even tortoises to rise up against the tyranny of Prince John, a cowardly lion played by the camp fellow from the carry on films, controlled by the hypnotic snake from The Jungle Book, voiced by Terry Thomas.

This film might be about a rebel insurgency movement, but don’t expect any Black Hawk Down moments. Disney’s insurgency rejects rocket propelled grenades and improvised explosive devices in favour of a clever combination of cross dressing, cunning and fistycuffs. This may be because Prince John has staffed his bodyguard with endangered Rhinos, protected from harm by international treaty. But despite their fierce reputation and CITES status it would seem that Rhinos make a poor choice of bodyguard; they have an unfortunate habit of colliding with one another and collapsing into dusty heaps.

The medieval Prince appears to have recruited the remainder of his law and order force from the American Deep South. The Sheriff of Nottingham is based on Sheriff J.W. Pepper, the idiot hick who provided James Bond with comic relief in Live and Let Die and the Man with the Golden Gun. J.W. is backed up by two of the vultures from The Jungle Book, wearing helmets.

I won’t expose the outcome of the adventure other than to say it is all too predictable. The violence is unrealistic, the love story is sweet but unconvincing. Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the plot is the way Disney has clearly struggled to come to terms with the socialist sentiment in the original folk tale. Their solution is to turn this tale from one that opposes the injustice of inequality into one that opposes high taxation. Low and behold Robin Hood was a Republican.

It should be noted that the above review is written largely from very old memories. I have not watched this film in it’s entirety since the late eighties, though I did watch a few bits on Youtube a couple of weeks ago.

One day, in January, a mad bastard walked into a pub and said to the barman “Give me a mad bastard drink”.

The barman said “What goes into a mad bastard?”

The mad bastard replied – “Avocado.”

“You mad bastard” said the barman. “Have you any idea how much saturated fat is in an avocado?”

“I stick saturated fat up my arse!” screamed the mad bastard “I’ll take two of your mad bastard avocado drinks please”.

“Oh no, I’ve opened a whole new can of worms now” said the barman.

“I told you I want avocado not worms – I’m bored of drinking worms – and besides canned worms don’t have any nutrients in them”.

“Oh you are a mad bastard”

“That’s why I’ve stapled a sanitary towel with mad bastard written on it to my forehead”

“I noticed that” said the barman “it suits you, but I thought you said that was to protect you from wasps”.

The mad bastard burst out laughing “You mad bastard. How often do you get stung on the forehead by a wasp in January!” everyone agreed the barman really was a mad bastard.

I find it strange how, if you let them, people will tend to repeat the information in a conversation over and over again. Don’t you find that strange? People just repeat themselves. They just reiterate what they’ve just said in a different way. They’ll do this for as long as you allow them. Until you acknowledge that you’ve understood, grasped, the information in their statement they’ll just go on repeating themselves over and over, that same first initial statement will come round again and again, rehashed, but ultimately the same old piece of information. It’s like rolling news with just one headline. It's like a channel five documentary, one fact per hour. Perhaps that’s why twitter is so successful it cuts out that human tendency to ramble, repeating the same old mind tick that for some reason caused them to feel it necessary to open their mouths in the first place.

Question: Have you got skill?

Answer: Yes

Response: errrrrrrrrrrr skill is an ‘African Bum Disease!’

In the late Eighties, on the school playgrounds of my youth, this was a common enough encounter. As well as making filling out the 'skills' section of job applications a humiliating experience this phrase laid the groundwork for my generation’s attitude towards achievement, an attitude that would see us binge-drink our way through as much of our potential as possible in the late nineties.

I often wondered where these ideas came from. These proto memes were presumably created by someone’s uncle, in this case a racist homophobic uncle, and then spread, mutating along the way, through the school system like a particularly virulent bought of the shits.

Racist and homophobic because the phrase is making reference to AIDS – stereotyping the virus as an African disease spread by gays - the subtleties of the phrase’s connotations went straight over the head of the average nine year old, which is the reason why we were able to solemnly claim that you could catch the deadly virus of the arse by being annoyingly good at ‘It’.

The teachers were powerless to correct us without leaving themselves open to an awkward conversation about sex, the third world, homosexuality and death; unsurprisingly they took the easy way out and left it to the dinner ladies. Needless to say we remained blissfully ignorant of the AIDS epidemic. Lucky we weren’t injecting heroin, or who knows what could have happened.

Question: Have you got any Heroin

Answer: Yes

Response: Great, Heroin is Scottish coffee sweetener

Forty five minutes, the length of a half in a game of football. A half, a small glass of beer, put it in a pint glass and your glass is half full unless you’re a pessimist in which case your glass is half empty. Empty, your grave, you’re still alive aren’t you, but as your grave probably hasn’t been dug yet then it’s probably still full, full of soil, like worms, politicians and plant pots. Pots are like goals in snooker, or pool, pool is better than snooker you can’t swim in a snooker, they don’t have water in them. Water was found on the moon which provides fascinating possibilities for space exploration via water slide. A slide is a type of ride that’s slippy and rhymes with tide. Tides are caused by the gravitational pull of the spoon. The spoon is what God uses to stir the sea. The sea makes up three quarters of the surface of the word seam. The word seems to come from the mouth but it actually comes from the letters on the paper. You can put words in someone’s mouth, but they’re liable to chew them up and spit them back in your face.

And writing that paragraph was how I chose to waste the last 45 minutes (that's 4.47 words per minute)

There is an argument on the internet about Mac vs PC, which is better. The answer is Mac, but this shouldn't be surprising, Macs cost about five times more. This is a bit like asking who the better prostitute is: high class escort/part time model/student Svenska, in it for the designer handbags, or skanky destitute Crack whore Destiny, in it for the Crack. They both do the same job; one is more pleasing on the eye, while the other is considerably cheaper/liable to contract a terminal virus. If you can't afford Svenska you load up on virus protection and go to bed with Destiny.

The reason this argument is ongoing is that you are comparing different things, one is luxury the other is budget. It's like arguing about types of toilet paper, the differences are obvious, if your wallet doesn’t pay for it your bum does. There are plenty of examples in the world of luxury goods where you are have to pay more for a more prestigious brand, but you usually get something at least as good as the cheaper alternatives, but there are also instances when you have to pay more to get much less:

Leather soled shoes, cost more than rubber soled shoes but wear out quicker – brilliant!
Crystal glasses, more expensive than normal glass, but brittle, like plastic that’s been left in the sun for six months
Bottled beer/water - on tap you get more of the same stuff for less and it hasn't been sitting in a bottle for months
Skunk Cannabis, costs more than grass or hash, produces a high similar to CJD
Distressed jeans, they’ve already got holes in, a bit like buying pre chewed chewing gum
Parachuting - take a trip in a plane made of a sheet and some string, no toilets, no trolley service, no undercarriage worse than RyanAir

Suggestions welcome.