I'm going on a road trip - details are yet to be finalised, but I am already pretty dam excited. We're going to North Wales to a friends lovely cottage, with it's own peacock, and when we get there we're going to shoot a mammal of the order of Rodentia. Yes the purpose of the trip for everyone else is a relaxing fun time with friends. Drink wine, walks in the hills and by the sea, country pubs, but me, I was only 100% on board when I found out that there is a problem squirrel living in the roof which needs 'removing' and that in return for our stay and enough money to buy a gun, we are being employed to remove it.
I am never happier than when my life is running as close as possible to the script of a quirky road trip comedy, so this story has infinite appeal to me. What I want is for the squirrel to innocently cause mayhem and repeatedly out fox me resulting in hilarious slapstick scenes, it should preferably eat carrots and have some kind of catch phrase. What I don't want is for us to rock up with a high powered air gun and a little fluffy baby squirrel to come bounding across the grass in search of nuts only to have it's face blown off to a bloody stump. A rather harrowing scene; More Killing Fields than Loony Tunes.
Perhaps I should play it as a hit film. The smouldering assassin with issues. What kind of soul lives behind those dark eyes? No one knows the real him; except maybe one girl, but she's gone now. Taken from him unfairly, now he travels alone across the country (except for his twenty something middle class friends), unstopping, relentless, inevitable, a killer - is what he does wrong? Tell me, in a world in which a beautiful young life can be snatched away and young love kicked aside, do you really believe in right and wrong?
Oh, I know, I could Danny the Champion of the World it. Has anyone got a Dad spare who needs a weekend away in the country? Preferably with own gypsy caravan.
Related:
When squirrels go bad.
Squirrel update.
Squirrel terrorist training camp.
World's greatest wedding gift.
Squirrat
Hmm do you think I might have an unhealthy relationship with squirrels?