Me: What would you call a reality TV show where the aim of the show is to trip up premiership footballers in the street?

Roland: Why?

Me: It is my idea for a reality TV show.

Roland: The shittest idea for a TV show ever.

That is Roland’s idea for the name of my new TV show. Clearly the shittest name for a TV show ever. That’s the last time I ever ask Roland for creative input, I don’t think he’s even seen Touch The Truck.

Here’s my pitch:

The host views clips of premiership footballers going down in the penalty area at the slightest touch accompanied by a laughter track. Then the host waits outside the Ivy with the paps and a camera crew. When the footballer comes out the host goes for the player with a two-footed lunge. Ideally the player will stay on his feet and, rather than rolling on the floor theatrically, will dish out a viscous beating on our host.

In an alternative format the host would dress up as a giant chicken (Turkey for Christmas special) and the show would be renamed Professional Fowl.

Ideas for host

1. Pob
2. Steve Irwin Paul Dannan
3. Cheggers
4. Stan Collymore
5. Simon Amstel

Player options:

1. Lee Bowyer
2. Jonathan Woodgate
3. Stan Collymore
4. Joey Barton
5. Duncan Fergusson

Potential production snags: injury to the players may result in legal action from their clubs, it is illegal to attack people, Pob is a puppet.