When bloggers get a bit fed up with blogging they do the - I'm taking a break from blogging post. These posts are a bit boring, not least because the bloggers are usually back as soon as they've sorted the divorce out. Rest assured that if I ever wish to take an extended break I shall claim to be off designing a new kind of Llama fibre toboggan in the Andes for the special forces. Something I wish I'd pretended to be doing the time I accidentally resigned from my current job after having a rather lovely holiday in Croatia and a serious case of the back to work blues. In that case rather than making up an exciting fictional career in South American Alpine Engineering I took the advice of my friend in HR and wrote a grovelling email retracting my offer to resign. An incident that was referred to by my boss in my annual referral as a bit of a black mark.

The incident may also have contributed to the reason why I'm not blogging as much as I could be right now. You see I'm having to do all my blogging at work. This has happened before. Strangely my home computer, and any computer that I use through my home router, cannot access this site. The last time this happened I was told that my IP address had been blocked as I was a suspected Spammer! I asked 'the man' if this had occurred this time, I even went as far as suspecting a smear campaign, but they told me they don't block individuals for being spammers. This left me wondering what happened the last time I was blocked and considering the possibility that I might be some kind of collective, a hive mind perhaps, in which case why am I so crap at multitasking.

So I am essentially locked out of this site until I move house, which may not impinge on the frequency of these text based posts, but will mean that I won't be able to draw bananas over dicks in porno using MS paint, or make up fake cum shots involving cereal box mascots and anyone from Coldplay without risking another Black Mark. Sorry about that, my hands are tied.

If you were to move to another blog site, which site would you choose?

I like the work of this artist. She takes pictures of herself literally throwing herself at men. Good idea and great pictures. One question remains, what happened next? All sorts of fun stuff at her website.

(via: Year in Pictures)

What is more important, a wetland habitat on the Western Isles of Scotland, or the entire biosphere, the habitat in which 6 billion people reside? Scottish SMPs think the former. LINK.

Oooo political.

O.K. maybe that is a little harsh on the deep fried pizza eaters, happy Robbie Burns Day Scottish people! I'll be emulating your great leader, Mel Gibson, tonight by getting smashed and being racist all in the name of a poet that couldn’t even speak proper.

Economic slowdown occurs when the graph that tracks share prices stops looking like it is measuring earthquakes and start looking like a brave new design for a water slide. When this occurs conversations in pubs become boring and everyone claims, posthumously, to have predicted the current state of affairs, though when questioned they are unable to define what it is that has occurred.

When faced with this question the correct definition of a recession is a repeat of the previous evenings heavy drinking. This affects the nation’s GDP by inflicting serious and widespread hangovers, which can last for several years. It also affects consumer spending because all the shop assistants are drunk thus causing a marked increase in the number of people felt up in shop changing rooms. House prices also show a downward trend, as during a recession people are more likely to pass out on each other’s sofas, the net effect of this is that fewer houses are required.

There are a number of mechanisms that the individual can employ to reduce the effect of a re-session. One of these is to diversify your risk. To do this you should have sex with people from different socio economic and ethnic backgrounds without using any kind of protection against sexually transmitted diseases.

On the government scale there are a number of options to alleviate these effects. They can increase national spending, but in the conditions of global recession the price of nations can increase significantly as governments clamour to buy them. The one advantage is that some go bankrupt and can then be picked up at a reduced price. In the great depression of the 1930s Hitler’s Germany greatly increased their GDP by buying France at a reduced price, France had spent all it’s money buying cheese to feed to it’s surrender monkeys.

The other most popular option for governments is to reduce interest rates; it does this by having civil servants talk in pubs about interest rates. The resulting lack of interest from everyone involved in the conversation spreads rapidly and greatly reduces the rate of interest throughout the economy. In extreme circumstances interest can be further reduced by showing re runs of Big Brother.

And that is all you need to know about an Economic Slowdown.

I've been using Google Analytics to track the number of hits this site gets recently and discovered some of the great keywords that this site is the beneficiary of. The most popular Keyword for navigation to this site is Monster Facial. If this term is typed into Google MGFGTG is second on the list and this is what you are treated too.

the whole post

Yes a rather smutty picture of Honey Monster. Still they should be preped. The caption under the link reads:

Mjohnson: I’d love to give H Monster a facial. He can put that pic on his cereal box.

Where as the caption for the entry one below in the list reads:

Freaks Of Cock! Proudly Presents : Freaked teen Katrina Isis. We had a great time with Katrina and she had great time taking OG's huge cock and swallowing almost all of OG's monster load.

Other favourite searches ending in this site include:

"easy tracey"

"sexual brainwashing" teenagers

a perfect wank

And my absolute favourite voyager, questing for knowledge, that stumbled upon the words of this humble scribe. The person that typed in, 'Can a horse be gay'. I just hope you found what you were looking for. I've been on that journey friend, (how do you think I wrote the post).

P.S. if you do use Google analytics you might discover BCUK's stat counter is way out and it's not Google it's BCUK. I checked.

Hamster hurling man found guilty

This is one of the best thing I've seen on the web for a long time. Wheather these quotes from American Christian Nut jobs are genuine or not is debatable, but if they are made up then they are the work of pure genius. If they are real then this is art, a found piece, sublime!

[One Christian speaking to another]

You are banned. You are not a Christian for Christians don't accuse brothers and sisters in Christ of being non-Christian.

(via whythatsdelightful)

When leaving an advanced screening of the New Coen brother's film, while walking past a queue of film geeks eager to take their seats for the very same film, don't exclaim very loudly 'fucking hell what was that ending all about, I mean the main guy he .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Censored .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . at the end.

On an aside I went to the cinema with a group of friends who all arrived with different degrees of lateness, of course the person who had booked the tickets was latest of them all, one chap, who happened to be black arrived while I was loading up on cider, yes they sold cider, and popcorn. He said hi and the next time I saw him he was talking to the people at the ticket desk. We don't see him again, so when the tickets arrive I assume he's managed to get his ticket from the desk and has gone in, by this time the film has almost started and we're told in no uncertain terms by the usher to go in, now, if we want to see the film. When the film ends I give away the ending to the next showing and Pete gets on the phone to our missing friend.

It turns out he's been arrested. He had popped out to make a phone call and been mistaken for a drug dealer by the police and arrested. Did I mention he is black, just an aside, so that was a bit of a shock.

And for what it's worth my opinion on the film without giving away the plot, I hope:

No Country For Old Men - Joel and Ethan Coen

This story seems to be so at pains to be unconventional that they throw the baby out with the bath water and neglect to include a proper narrative straying dangerously into Ukranian Animation territory. All the main characters failed to deliver except the dark nihilistic anti-hero who is just depressing. A pretentious slasher flick with lovely scenery. Cinematography 10/10 story 2/10. Try harder.

Proper pro opinons.

This movie is a masterful evocation of time, place, character, moral choices, immoral certainties, human nature and fate. It is also, in the photography by Roger Deakins, the editing by the Coens and the music by Carter Burwell, startlingly beautiful, stark and lonely.

Roger Ebert

As I said Ukrainian Animation territory.

Update: This film now has 8 Oscar nominations. I still think it is poor, end of. I mean that dream at the end about his Dad being dead, what's that go to do with deranged killers people!

Update 2: O.K. it now has four Oscars - I'm just going to use this as further proof of what I've been suspecting for a while I'm right they're all wrong.

I knew Kylie was small. But it wasn't until I saw this picture of her and a baby that I realised just how small. the baby is about a third of her size. She is only three times the size of a baby! Imagine if she were to fall pregnant. You can't gestate a foetus that is a third of your size. That is like an Elephant trying to give birth to a full grown Hippo, could an Elephant give birth to a hippo?

A graph showing my age as a percentage of the average UK life expectancy for a male:

(The idea for the above was stolen shamelessly from Craig at Flip Flop Fylin. He has loads of cool graphs that he calls Personal Pies)

A clip showing people of every age from 1 to 100 banging a drum.

Hungover today - I guess feeling like death must make me think about it too, or maybe it was watching that documentary on the D Day landings.

My flatmate went out during the January sales and got a real bargain. In fact I don't even know how we managed to live without this high tech clothes drier:

It's a cross trainer. . . O.K. that is not clear from the picture.

Me: What would you call a reality TV show where the aim of the show is to trip up premiership footballers in the street?

Roland: Why?

Me: It is my idea for a reality TV show.

Roland: The shittest idea for a TV show ever.

That is Roland’s idea for the name of my new TV show. Clearly the shittest name for a TV show ever. That’s the last time I ever ask Roland for creative input, I don’t think he’s even seen Touch The Truck.

Here’s my pitch:

The host views clips of premiership footballers going down in the penalty area at the slightest touch accompanied by a laughter track. Then the host waits outside the Ivy with the paps and a camera crew. When the footballer comes out the host goes for the player with a two-footed lunge. Ideally the player will stay on his feet and, rather than rolling on the floor theatrically, will dish out a viscous beating on our host.

In an alternative format the host would dress up as a giant chicken (Turkey for Christmas special) and the show would be renamed Professional Fowl.

Ideas for host

1. Pob
2. Steve Irwin Paul Dannan
3. Cheggers
4. Stan Collymore
5. Simon Amstel

Player options:

1. Lee Bowyer
2. Jonathan Woodgate
3. Stan Collymore
4. Joey Barton
5. Duncan Fergusson

Potential production snags: injury to the players may result in legal action from their clubs, it is illegal to attack people, Pob is a puppet.

Apparently these days you can get done by the police for eating an apple while driving, (Times Article) anything which distracts your attention from the road. That includes smoking, putting on make up and even taking a photo of another driver with a digital camera then loading it into your on board computer composing a personalised message and colour scheme and displaying it on your fancy multi coloured diode hubcaps:

Dam it because that is my most trusted pulling technique. Never fails! The driving instructor can be a right lemon though.

This is a great collection of anti war pictures from The Society of Illustrators

My favourite is this one

Mirko Ilic
Fuel
2002
Silkscreen poster

(Via Drawn)

This is my friend Jonny's toilet. He lives with three girls.

These signs are on all the buses in London. I was once sitting behind a hyperactive kid who explained to his suffering mum what would happen if you kicked the old man's stick away. Apparently the lady would fall backwards and catapult the baby into the air. Obviously, she is sitting on an extension of the old man's knee.

Update: I told Jonny I'd taken a photo of his toilet and put it on my blog. He looked puzzled and asked why, so I said ‘because of the funny sign’. He claims not to have noticed it! He's lived there for at least a year, where has he been pissing?

Something from the comments: Is that a baby on her lap or a giant Cluedo piece? (that was my comment, what, I think I'm funny).

Sometimes a post just lands on your lap and when it does I’m more than happy to milk it for all it’s worth. Just over two years ago on the 20 December 2005 I posted one of my most subversive(wrong) posts; a scanned picture of a girl being rescued from the boot of a car. I’d spotted it in the London Lite a free paper that is distributed around London and had thought to myself, wow she looks really hot.

Thinking that what I was seeing was the victim of a terrifying ordeal I feesed up to the world asking the question “Is it wrong if I find this picture of a girl being rescued by Mexican police arousing?” and following it up with the comment “If you look closely you can see the genuine fear in her eyes.”

Not surprisingly several comments were left along the lines of: yes it is wrong, you worry me and I’m putting you on a government database. I didn’t think much more about it other than the occasional pang of shame until today. An anonymous commenter wrote:

LMAO You jackases that ain't and unidentified woman, that's Joy Giovanni who use to be in WWE, this is from an angle in 2005 where she was kidnapped and put into the back of JBL's limo by Kurt Angle

A quick search of the internet proved him correct.

Oh, sigh of relief; I knew it was mock fear, professional make up and coiffure that gets me off, not genuine terror. When my relief had subsided I realised I needed to let the press know about the error. At first I wanted to send a letter to The London Lite, but following a bit of web based research I discovered the same picture on the msnbc website accompanied by a full story attributed to the Associated Press, so I sent an email to their images headquarters in New York.

To: The Associated Press Images Services

Dear Sirs

I feel it my duty to inform you that on the 20 December 2005 the news website msnbc ran an article entitled ‘Mexico kidnappings deadliest in Latin America’. The article, which is still available on the website, is copyrighted by and attributed to the Associated Press and ran with a picture of a girl bound and gagged in the back of a truck with the caption:

“An unidentified woman is seen being liberated from the trunk of a car in this photo released by the Mexican non governmental agency, Citizen Council for Public Safety. The group said that kidnappers in Mexico are increasingly killing or torturing their victims, making kidnappings more deadly than in Colombia, long considered the country with the worst problem.“

I am able to identify the woman. It appears to be Joy Giovanni a WWE wrestler and the person releasing the woman is the wrestler Kurt Angle. The picture seems to have been taken during the January 13 edition of the wrestling show ‘Smackdown’, (though the colour of her tank top has changed from pink to white.)

I’m not sure why the Citizen Council for Public Safety decided to release this picture to accompany their announcement that kidnappers in Mexico are increasingly killing or torturing their victims, perhaps they found such acts to be synonymous with ‘Pro Wrestling’.

I’d like to say it all ended happily for Joy, but as I understand it despite her kidnap sending The Big Show (Joy’s true defender) into a rampage, Kurt Angle, Joy’s rescuer, who it later transpired was the mastermind behind the kidnapping, was still able to DESTROY The Big Show in the ring the following week. Never the less we can gain solace from the fact that Joy was not actually harmed during her ordeal, I am reliably informed that Pro Wrestling isn’t real.

Kindest regards

mjohnson

It seems someone is going round messing with billboards in London by chopping their heads off, check it out on Flickr.

To anything that messes with the ubiquitous capitalist propaganda I say well done. I recently heard of another good idea along these lines; sticking 'actual size' stickers on billboards with 15 ft. long tubes of toothpaste on them. Very good, can't find the link to that one though. Why don't I just do it, yer anarchy! (I'm probably not going to do it as I'm a bit of a coward and kind of at the office right now).

Found at 30gms, who I think may have coined the term, The Shoreditch Slasher, which works. Go Slasher.

Update: it turns out the actual size stickers are from the xkcd store, where he is trying to sell them for $5, capitalist scum!

I spent the New Year in the Lake District, where the majestic beauty of nature has, over the years, touched the soul of many a writer, poet and painter. I think we all hoped to be similarly affected, and on the last night, with the help of the game were you each draw a different bit of a drawing and then fold the paper over so the next person can’t see what you’ve drawn, I think we all finally let nature's power in:

Breath taking isn't it.