Linkety Dinkety

It's O.K. it's a news story not porn or anything, but it is about naughty bits, he he he.

I'm reading War and Peace at the moment and probably will be for some time. I mainly read it on the bus on the way to and from work. I prefer the buses to the train; if your average train commuter is akin to a battery hen then your bus rider would be a barn hen, hardly free range, but at least you have a perch and room to flap your newspaper. One of the disadvantages on the buses is that this relative freedom means people tend to talk a bit more. On the trains you must close down all your senses, go within yourself and find your happy place, only surface to whisper sorry when you accidentally touch someone you're squeezed up against in an intimate area.

On my bus yesterday I was surrounded by a group of local youths from South London's Afro Caribbean community talking loudly. I could no longer concentrate on my book, which I find hard to follow at the best of times, so I was forced to listen to their conversation. I love the way these guys talk, their language is well mad. It is kind of based on Jamaican Patois, but it is becoming increasingly mainstream. This means that it is being watered down and also means I am able to understand more of it. One girl said something that amused me, not because of it's playful use of grammar but of the unintended innuendo.

This girl she came in my face and I was gonna dong her like, (Yes that's the bit I like), she was railing her mouth off blood, but I thought low it cos of ma education.

On the way home I was sat at the back of the bus, but I was still distracted from my book, this time by a group of little white boys sat at the front. Middle class home schoolars on the way home from an educational museum trip, infinitely more annoying, they were playing counting games; crosses dem pickney ma bredwren bloods. (Darn it those children are my class/ethnicity friends). I bet they've read or will soon have read War and Peace, precious little knob cheeses.

There has been a bit of a furore in the House of Commons over Gordon Brown accusing David Cameron of "misleading" people. BBC.

Apparently:

MPs are not allowed to accuse another member of Parliament of lying, suggest another MP has false motives, misrepresent another MP's language of use abusive or insulting language.

Perhaps this is why MPs consistently have false motives and lie. It seems duplicity is enshrined in the very rules of conduct for our law makers.

Well done to Hampshire constabulary for realising the available comedic synergies in their latest bus advertising campaign. This particular synergy also provides labour saving opportunities for the local youth. They will no longer be required to scratch a knob onto his forehead due to the smoking one between his legs, of course this doesn't mean they won't; the industry of youth.

Today as tensions heightened between the PKK and the Turkish government in the Middle East and with the world's stock markets taking further loses Emsbabee and I took the time to reflect over txt msg and discuss our views on some of the pressing issues of the day. What I found from the responses I received was a genuine clarity that is too often lacking in an increasingly distorted world.

Mjohnson: Whose baby would you rather have – father absentia – D Bowers or P. Danan?

Emsbabee: Bowers – the royalties from his music would keep the kid in rusks for at least a year.

Would you rather father a sprog by Jordan or Jodie Marsh? Both will want to make a documentary.

Mjohnson: Jordan wouldn’t want to leave Peter A. so I’d only get to see baby in OK magazine. Marsh’s doco would be car crash and would probably include the conception, so I’ll take Jordan please.

Open the Olympics in bra and Knickers, or school nativity play naked?

Emsbabee: Be Jesus! Naked nativity I guess. The angry parents wouldn’t let me stay on the stage for long.

Professional impersonator of Davina Mcall or Victoria Beckham?

Mjohnson: No problem V.B. please I’d be able to use my giant plastic tits from my Lara Croft outfit.

Emsbabee: Do you know all the Spice Girls’s dance routines? You’re gonna have to understudy on the reunion tour.

Mjohnson: Posh used to just stand there looking hungry, but since all Davina ever did was hug people and I know I can do her fitness DVDs I think I’ll reconsider.

Would you rather be Marie Currie’s Minge or Gandhi’s aresehole?

Emsbabee: I think the minge lesser of two evils.

Mjohnson: How can any part of Gandhi be evil?

Emsbabee: Nobody’s perfect.

Fondled by Grotbags, or sucked off by Gordon the Gopher?

Mjohnson: Sucked by GG is the same as getting a hand job from Philip Scofield, Grotbags plz.

Emsbabee: I’d love a handjob from Philip Scofield but it’s your choice.

Mjohnson: The cloth might chafe, I stand by my choice.

Emsbabee: A threesome with the chuckle brothers or Bodger and Badger?

Mjohnson: Being spit roasted by the C brothers! I can’t think of anything worse - to me – to you! Give me messy potato sex any day. Bodger and Badger please.

Gang bang with the cast of rainbow, or world’s biggest puppet orgy with all the Muppets?

Emsbabee: Hmm, the Muppets provided I can yell ‘FROG’ in the style of Miss Piggy at the climax.

Porn shoots with Honey Monster or Big Bird?

Mjohnson: I’d love to give H Monster a facial. He can put that pic on his cereal box.

Having put the worlds to rights and successfully wasting an otherwise productive day we blocked each others numbers in our phones and attempted to defame each other on Facebook. The End.

She must love animals, be Russian, preferably old, and maybe crazy. Her house must smell really bad and have several hundred cats in it. What I’m really looking for is someone who prefers the company of cats and who is generally regarded by the rest of society to be bonkers; after all cats are better than people.

Where will I find this woman of my dreams?

Last posting day before Christmas; has that passed. It was some time last month wasn't it.

Royal Mail are shit, I'm using owls from now on. Not to deliver my post just to defend my house from voles. For postage I just throw my letters into the street, or chuck them out the window when I'm on the bus. I find this generally gets better results than putting it in a post-box, though having said that I'm yet to see my winnings from the Readers Digest Prize Draw, I stuffed my form in a bush months ago.

Rescuing fat people from armchairs not really what you join the fire service for is it.

Lancashire fire chiefs consider charging 'agencies' when they ask for help moving obese people.

Why do fat people make such an easy target? That's a rhetorical question.

My climate change post was a little flippant. Being overly flippant is one of my character flaws, but trust me you don't want to see me when I get serious.

It did have a serious undertone though, the only way we can solve the climate problem is by working together, which we don't do so well. We work well in groups up to a maximum of about 15 persons then factions form and everything becomes a bit tricky. This is why the E.U, population 450,000,000, is a bit slow to get things done. One thing that blog action day is brilliantly positioned to achieve is trying to get everyone to work together, by reaching out to millions, not on mass, but in little groups, like the very small readership of my blog (ostensibly one person, but lets say up too 50 people).

So here is what you need to do: just read this EU press release on the potential energy savings available through using energy saving light bulbs and appliances.

And if you need additional impetuous. Have you heard about The London Array? Somebloke wrote about it. It is an offshore wind farm and it will be the biggest in Europe providing renewable energy and preventing the emission of 1.5 million tonnes of carbon dioxide each year using 241 turbines to produce 1000MW.

But if you look at the energy consumption of a television on standby and multiply that by the population of Europe, even with a snazzy new T.V. that only uses 2W, the output of this whole wind farm is more than eclipsed just to put tiny red lights on. Now if the population of Europe wants to have a tiny little red light on their T.V. their DVD and their Set Top Box, assuming that they are all energy efficient versions, to do this, and use renewable energy, we will need a wind farm 4 times the size, with 976 turbines, covering nearly 1000 square kilometres. Now do you want that on your doorstep, or would you rather turn your modem off when you switch off your computer?

P.S. tell everyone else.

P.P.S. go back and read the press release you lazy muther.

Humanity you are doomed, climate change is destined to destroy you, but I offer you a solution listen to me. Like me every human is massively resourceful, the most resourceful species ever to live on this planet. Like me every human wields great power; the power to predict what the future might hold and the power to change that fate. The power and the problem both stem from the manner of our creation. We were forged like all of the creatures of this world by competition and this innate characteristic shows in all my (and by extension all of humanities) great achievements: the Space Race, the race to split the atom, circumnavigate the globe, or to provide cheap high speed broadband at low prices; all of these only succeeded through competition. Only when you compete do you overcome and so when it comes to an issue that affects us all and requires us all to work together to find a solution, such as climate change, you will flounder and fail. Unless. . .

Unless you follow me . . . BEHOLD . . .

Your great leader has a solution. What you must do is listen to me, if a million voices all shout at the same time what use is this? I will instigate a mass brainwashing campaign, this will convince all of humanity that another planet exists, but you can't see it because it is always hiding behind the moon. This planet shall be called planet Bad it is like the Earth, but it is inhabited by a race of shifty looking humans know as The Baddies. The UN shall be moved to the intersection of 0 degrees longitude and 0 degrees latitude. A new Island shall be built at this location off the coast of East Africa. It's design will be based on Tracey Island from Thunder Birds, Anthea Turner will supervise this task. The UN will be renamed Earth Force 1. I will rule from here and Earth Force 1 will be my Goody army.

A space station will be built, a special space station, from which Richard Branson will present a Friday night television show poking fun at the vermin that inhabit planet Bad and reporting on a daily basis on my great victories. The human race will be referred to as The Goodies and my island will be called Goody H.Q. Once humanity has united in universal hatred of planet Bad the effort necessary to save humanity will be willingly expended, disaster will be averted, all of mankind will become brothers and all of woman kind will become aunts and I will be praised as the greatest leader ever. The leader that took humanity willingly from the desert back to Eden.

All hail our great Leader! Hail!

And that's my contribution to Blog action day.

Once you've seen this video will you go to the site?

This is a Youtube video of some folks watching a video, after you see their reaction will you visit the site they are watching for yourself. (I know all very confusing). The URL for the site they watch is in the more info box on the right.

P.S. I did, I couldn't watch it all the way through; it's true it will scar you!

If you live in London, as I do, you must check out the Londonist. I think it is actually changing my life by helping to see past the filth and arseholes on display everywhere and unearth the Gems that London has to offer; the great things going on all the time, even if I don't go along I feel part of it and pleased that I could if I wanted to. (They haven't fixed my filthy arsehole, but I'm getting that seen too.)

Plus, I should declare, they are getting me free stuff. This week I have had free food and sketch show in my lunch break, see this article. (credit should also go to Gwen who told me about this first). And I won free tickets to a gig last night by entering this competition!

They have even made me think that the latest Tate Modern installation, an enormous crack in the floor might be worth a look, before I thought it was, frankly, a bit shit. Am I no longer a Philistine?

Definition of Philistine: anti-intellectual: smug and ignorant and indifferent or hostile to artistic and cultural values

Hostile to artistic and cultural values . . . hmmm

Anyway I love the introduction their article on the crack following the inevitable stories about the first person to manage to trip over the bloody thing *inset joke about being on Crack*. You know the reporters were just waiting for this to happen, I just wish I could be privy to the Sun's pun book on the subject. I bet they've got some unprintable stuff in there.

You might think the act of visiting an art gallery specifically to gawp at a hole in the ground would obviate the need to remind people not to trip over said hole. Apparently not.

In my job I'm on the sharp end of this countries ample health and safety legislation and anything which encourages debate on this subject can only be a good thing; as long as that debate results in making my life easier of course.

At last instructions on how to make my very own Twang Box. Now I won't have to leave the house ever again.

From Boinb Boing T.V. see a video of the boing box in action, (sadly he doesn't get out his Twang Box and give it a live pounding) plus an interview with Paul Allen.

More Twanger fun from Raindow.

This little spinning silhouette of a rather fetching lady can spin either clockwise or anticlockwise depending on how your brain is set up. I started seeing it anticlockwise, then I squinted a bit and it started going the other way. That was about ten minutes ago and I still can’t get it to go back round the way it started. I can even stop for a while and start again, still clockwise; did that squint reset my brain permanently.

The doors of perception.

From Kottke

Oh I just looked and it has reversed, I think.

Update: This has sparked some lively debate in my house as to as to whether the pirouette direction is arbitrary or not, with both me and Kate declaring the direction that we perceive to be correct. The fact that the other can’t see this is definitive proof that they are a weak brained fool. (Something we've both suspected for some time.)

Postsecret

It's Random Dam lets keep HOPE alive in Darfur

Come on people you're not getting the message it's Ram Danan lets keep HOPE alive in Darfur

Assalamu alaykum - peace and blessings be upon you.

To celebrate Black History Month I have been watching the Boondocks on tv-links.com. (If you haven't been to this website, go. It's like Sky Plus for free.) As American comic cartoons go Boondocks is not the best although it does have Samuel L Jackson in it. The plot follows two little guys that have moved into a new white suburb, remind you of anything? The younger brother is a bit of a player and he’s all street and shit. The older brother is all wise and shit, like a righteous brother and shit. Each episode includes repeated use of the N word.

I may not have loved it, but I think if you're Black it probably resonates more, also I think if you're an African American, or just an American it might click too, but that said I have watched all the available episodes of it so it must resonate somehow.

Although I am not black and/or an American I have seen all the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air including the pilot with the extended titles sequence and being thusly qualified I give it a 5 out of ten.

If you haven't seen the extended titles sequence for FP-of-BA then try and see it, there is an additional verse that puts him on a plane meaning he doesn't have to take a smelly cab all the way across America. The Boondocks also has a great catchy titles sequence, so watch it for that, but you might want to stop after that unless you fall into the above mentioned demographics.

Thank you The Boondocks for providing me with free episodes of The Boondocks via tv-links to allow this review, although I realise they did not consent to this I’m sure my above buzz will more than compensate you.

P.S. Screw you Buzz Paradise! Your loss, I have cross demographic appeal.(The ‘marketing' 'company’ ‘buzz’ ‘paradise’ do not deem this blog worthy, they have snubbed me readers and not replied to my application, plus I haven’t received my sock yet!)

If this makes no sense read the previous post and the comments.

P.P.S. I am not a racist.

Very bad service, very bad service, 3 have very, very, very, bad service; yes 3 the mobile phone company. Don't use them.

Very bad service, very bad service, 3 have very, very, very, bad service; yes 3 the mobile phone company. Don't use them.

Very bad service, very bad service, 3 have very, very, very, bad service; yes 3 the mobile phone company. Don't use them.

Very bad service, very bad service, 3 have very, very, very, bad service; yes 3 the mobile phone company. Don't use them.

Very bad service, very bad service, 3 have very, very, very, bad service; yes 3 the mobile phone company. Don't use them.

4 Kate

Hello readers, a pinch and a punch for the first of the month. I just ripped September from my calendar and discovered an previously unheard of month 'Order Your 2008 Calendar Now'. I wonder which Roman emperor this month is named after? Over the last two months this blogs stats have risen significantly, by about 200% and this, combined with the discovery that I can do this, has prompted me to sign this blog up to an online marketing company. Basically I tell them who I am and they send me free stuff to write about, they assure me that I am allowed to say what I like so my artistic integrity will not be compromised, phew.

Boooo, sell out, hisss. Yes I know, but you know what, to use management jargon, my job doesn't provide me with sufficient 'self actualisation' (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) and therefore anything that can convince me that this blog is anything more than a hobby is encouraging. That bottle of free shampoo may just provoke the illusion of professionalism.

I found out about this gig from Jo at the Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open blog who got a load of free smelly stuff and created some buzz about it; what you just read is buzz in action. Did you feel it. Well I've told the company that I am capable of creating buzz on travel, books, theatre and something else, I forget. My ideal gig would probably be for the Estonian tourist board reviewing their whole country, which may take up to five years and should be all expenses paid.

But why am I telling you all, surely I should be secretive about this in case I loose your trust. Here's the thing, I thought you guys might like me to review something for you. Basically it seems the deal with the company is post me something and I'll write about it. Why should they have a monopoly on this service, I don't give a shit about them, but I do give a shit about you dear reader. I am flinging the doors of this gig wide open. Anybody who wants to send me anything at all, faecal matter excluded, can do so and I shall create buzz around it, possibly using a swarm of bees.

I'm not posting my address as people might start sending me crap in the post. . . oh actually that's the idea. Still I don't think that's generally thought of as sensible, so if you want to send me some stuff send me a message and I will respond with my address, or with the address of a third party should I suspect you of being a weirdo. If you leave your address I will send you something in return and you can review it on your blog. Leaving your address will not only get you some stuff, it will make the whole thing fairer. You can either leave the message in the comments; message me using the blog.co.uk message function; or email me at phil_skil@hotmail.com - that's my junk email account, which I don't check too regularly, but I'm hardly likely to post my normal one.

That's it baby this blog is now web 2.0 - interactive. Send me your shit in the post - not literally - and it will feature right here! This might fail utterly and I reserve the right not to write about your stuff should I find that I am forced into hiding by a flock of internet weirdos brandishing parts from a Kenwood Chef, but it could also be a spectacular success and that's up to you *graphic of finger coming out of the screen pointing at you*, go on get involved.