Last night Kate and I popped down the pub for a pint before closing. When we got back we discovered this in our front room.
A small stretchy cotton glove.
It was sitting in the middle of our lounge. The lounge door had been closed to keep the cats out so they didn’t bring it in, (not that they do that kind of thing) but the window had been left open. We were pretty drunk and Kate got it into her head that the glove was a gift from a mischievous passer by, she even went as far as going outside again and throwing the glove through the window to demonstrate how said passer by would have committed their random act of giving. I was rather more sceptical. I thought that random acts of generosity are rare enough what a coincidence for that random gift to be one of the tools of the burglary trade. If you are going to be sneaking up to darkened houses in the middle of the night with the intent to commit generosity then you would be advised not to carry burgler paraphernalia as this may be misconstrued.
So detective hat goes on and I have to ask, what is the motive? It was one glove so perhaps it was Michael Jackson either trying to put an end to the one glove thing once and for all, or he just bought a new pair and as he doesn’t need one of them, so he decides to give one to us in the hope that we will sell it on e-bay and give the money to the children.
I have an alternative theory. A low life criminal scum bag was out looking for an opportunity to do some robbing, they snuk in through our open window dropped a glove and left. I can hear what you’re saying; this aforementioned criminal has missed out a vital part of their job description. They’ve failed to rob anything. (They have I’ve checked). I think they were either A. disturbed, or B not impressed with the merchandise.
I will deal with B first, there isn’t much worth robbing in the lounge admittedly; no plasma screen; the DVD player came free with a phone and the stereo is crica 91, but why not go into another room? What about the DVDs, some of them aren’t even copies? So I think that rules out the merchandise theory leaving only A disturbed.
I have a theory for this one too. As we have already established the lounge door was shut to keep the cats out. There is one thing the cats always do when someone comes in to the house, they bowl down the stairs looking for food, and they’re pretty big cats, big enough for it to sound like a person. So my theory is this. He sneaks in, has a quick squiz around, doesn’t see much of interest, the cats bowl down the stairs, he panics, drops his glove and exits by the same window. I thank you. Now if you’d like to hand yourself in to the friendly police man and think about what you’ve done. Oh and it makes these two guys heroes!
I feel a bit funny now. While writing I became so convinced of my own theory that I phoned the police, on their local number not 999. They were really nice, they agree that they can see no reason why someone would throw a glove through an open window and they’ve said they will send someone round. If they don't take the glove away I will revert to the Jacko hypothesis and sell it on e-bay.
Update: The police forensic people came. She used silver dust to look for prints and found 'glove marks', but even though they left a glove behind they managed to leave without leaving any prints. Now that we have confirmed that there was an attempted burglary I feel all violated and shit and the police took the glove so I don’t have a glove either. Still I was right and Kate was wrong so there is some solace there.