I thought after my earlier post that I should formulate a Rant Scale to show the levels of anger I can achieve on a given subject that annoys me. Mineral water rates a 5 to 6 on the ranter scale.

1. Mild amusement, some sarcasm
2. Disbelief, amazement, 'why' is repeated up to five times
3. Incredulous disbelief, theatrical sarcasm, and mild outrage
4. Outrage, posturing and historical comparisons
5. Blaming the French (c-word will be used)
6. Unbelievable claims of ‘I don’t give a shit, fuck it, I don’t’ give a fucking, cunting, shit’ (O.K. so why are you shouting at me)
7. Fantasys of armed revolution, (the only actual action to take place, is mumbled swearing, c-word may be used)
8. Indirect action – can include petty vandalism, writing stern letters, or obstructive behaviour, such as not paying for train fairs.
9. An embarrassing, shoutey, public scene.
10. Total silence - the brain is resetting itself, this is known as the intense anger safety override – thoughts can no longer be articulated, all words will be stammered and or repeated in an increasingly feeble way, emergency hair stroking and soothing-cooing should be applied until level 2 is achieved.

Every year thousands of people die in the developing world from diseases caused by dirty drinking water. In this country water flows from the tap that is so clean you can use it in a microbiology experiment without having to sterilize it and it won’t contaminate the experiment. This is because no bugs live in it. Trust me, when was the last time you heard of anyone dieing from botulism.

That’s really great isn’t it, so why when you’re in a restaurant do people insist on trying to sell you water bottled water; water that has been transported half way across the continent in a lorry; water that has been stored for 6 months in a warehouse. We drink it and then we send the plastic bottle to China. Possibly in the same container ship that it arrived in, so the Chinese can recycle it for us because we care about the environment. (In my house we produce allot of recycling. We used to call it waste, but we’ve renamed it so we can feel better about ourselves.)

I hate bottled water. I hate it because it's a French idea; I hate it because it's a rip off; I hate it because it's decadent; I hate it because it's bollocks (it is the same as normal water you tosser); I hate it because it demonstrates how powerless the human race is when it comes to marketing (They could sell you your own shit in a bag you twats.); I hate it because it's bad for the environment. The French have invented many terrible things like Anti Semitism and Cowardice, but this surely tops the bill.

Don't allow them to sell it to you in restaurants and don't buy it unless you have to, (i.e. you're lost in the desert high on drugs dancing to imaginary music, the only liquid that has passed your lips in the last 8 hours was tequila and that had the worm in it, then, please, drink whatever you can get.)

The backlash begins now; there are people with influence that will say no. In the mean time it looks we will have to put up with Tyrannosaurus Alan (who I like, which in turn makes me hate myself) and all the other schemes that the marketers can concoct to get inside our minds. Until one day a little boy in a restaurant will stand up and say, "Daddy why do you pay for water in a bottle when the water from the tap is the same, and Daddy why is that Emperor not wearing any clothes", at first everyone will mumble about how inconsiderate it is to bring children into a restaurant, and how rude of that boy to point at that naked African fellow, but the seed will have been sown, then Volvic will find out and they'll send Tyrannosaurus Alan to eat the boy, and if I haven't lost you by now. Just watch the advert you jelly minded fools!