I went on a stag do this weekend. It was proper brillo! I had a grin plastered to my face for at least 75 percent of the time. That’s pretty good stats considering I endured 2 hangovers and two 6+ hour mini-bus journeys during that period.

I thought I’d let the world, especially the girls, in on what us guys talk about on Stag Dos. (Dawn pant wrestling video to follow). The conversation typically starts on the state of the patriarchy and the future subjugation of women kind, then things really get going. I’ve listed my three favourite conversation topics in order of frequency.

1. How much we loved the Waitress and what dirty treats we had in store for her. (Once we had subjugated the dirty slut). You should note this wasn’t done to her face in a ladish, dangle your balls in a pint glass, bum pinching way. No when I actually talked to her I just acted like a full on arse, in an ‘Oh don’t worry I’m sure they’ll holler’ type of way. (If that’s not excruciating then you had to be there).

2. Squirrats, these are a mysterious new species of rodent that's the result of a rat raping a squirrel. There is documentary evidence in the form of photographs; though we didn't have these at the time, so we debated their existence in the tradition of Socrates in his pursuit of truth.

Some of us said they exsisted others maintained that they are simply Rats with mange. Neither party had conclusive evidence either way, so I'd say it's safe to simply assume it’s true and tell our friends.

The accusation of rape however is surely impossible to substantiate. Firstly non consenting sex is common in the animal kingdom, no excuse of course, but naturalists rarely note this distinction; it would more likely be described as a vigorous courtship. Secondly the presumption that a rat is the guilty party and not a squirrel smacks of Ratcism and doesn’t sit kindly with me. Without DNA evidence to back up this case I think the rape people are going to have to put up and stop smearing Rats.

3. Scat Lollies, this is a fetish so obscure that so far the internet has failed to pick up on it; make a DVD of it; and get your Dad to do it to your Mum. From anecdotal evidence I gather that in the whole world there is only one known practitioner. He’s Irish he lives in Spain and he’s wee. What this small bearded pervert does to himself will sicken you in a way that you haven’t experienced since people stopped emailing around that picture of the fella stretching his anus to the size of a two litre Coke bottle:

He freezes his own turds only to reinsert the frozen phallic shit-pops back up his own anus. Once inside they return to their original state and he re-shits them, perhaps he then repeats the process, I couldn’t say. He has coined the phrase Scat Lollies and hats off to him for a great name, (well I'm not shaking his hand). (We didn’t actually talk about Scat Lollies that much, but it is one of those things you remember.)

Pretty much standard, boys on tour behaviour I'd imagine.