I was feeling a bit down this morning: works been getting me down, I've been working late nights on extra work and it's still not good enough. The feelings of inadequacy have become overwhelming. That's why this morning I decided I was Kolo Toure, the victorious Arsenal centre back. Having just disposed of the champions of Italy in their own stadium I feel at the peak of my career.

Physically I'm completely transformed, I'm an ebony Adonis. Fitness wise I could run five miles, floor a horse with one punch, kick a football over the moon and still have the energy to have a threesome with a couple of glamour models.

My feelings of inadequacy and status anxiety have completely evaporated. I'm more generous; I've given my girlfriend a £5,000 a week shopping allowance. My social life has improved; I read in the paper that I spent last weekend with Frank Lampard and Zinadine Zidane on a yacht in Malaga.

Becoming Kolo Toure was the best decision I've ever made. I just hope I can get tickets for my dad to watch me in the semi final. I think he will be really proud. About time.