Mjohnson's Glorious Fighting Girls Travel Game
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I found the best your mama joke on the net last night. It's been making me chuckle all day. It's from the Offensive Charlie Brown clip in my excellent links section.
Your Muma is so dum she thought that Judo was what they make Bagels out of.
I'm laughing now.
There was once a man who lived in a little town in the desert. One day he was in a cave he hadn't eaten for a while and he was very stressed. He started seeing things and before him, in a vision, appeared an angel. "Aggggghhhh" he said. "I've gone totally mental".
"Don't be scared being mental is fun", said the angel "but only on Fridays. Friday is a fun day to be mental this is the word of God. Go away leave it a few weeks then write it down. Use this for the basis of a new religion and spread it throughout the world".
The man followed the angel's instructions and formulated a religion based around being mental on Fridays. He coined the name 'The Fun Day Mentalists Club' and made lots of crazy rules up involving banging your head of the floor, chanting funny chants, not eating this and that and mutilating the genitals of male children.
The religion went down a storm which is really great and it turns out that Friday really is a great day to go mental as most students and office workers will testify because you have the whole weekend to recover.
At last; I have met a famous person. Today in the pub I met the guy from the Catherine Tate show. You know young guy. He told me his name is Mat and I’ve ascertained he is Mat Horne. Well I don’t give a shit if you’ve no idea. I’ve lived in London for over a year and I’ve never seen a celebrity. I think the main reason for this is I’m a bit special (I mean retarded) I don’t recognise people’s faces. I could be watching a film with Brad Pitt in and unless someone points out that its Brad Pitt I won’t realise. This doesn’t give me much hope with the celeb spotting, so when I had it pointed out that I was in the pub with the guy from Catherine Tate I made the most of it. This is a pic so you actually know who I’m talking about.
I drew a picture of the guy without looking at the paper and I managed to get drunk enough to ask the guy to sign it and I recorded his reaction on my mp3. Here is my signed drawing and the mp3 file.
(I have no idea why it's sped up (?))
I have to say he was a really good sport and didn’t mind me treating him like he was some kind of exhibit in a fucked up museum. I think managing to get an autograph and accompanying voice recording makes me a top class weirdo and I’m proud.
A story from the Times on Wednesday (O.K. it takes me a while to read a whole paper).
Older women who watch lots of soaps and talk shows on television tend to do poorly in tests of memory, attention and other mental skills. . .
Researchers suggest: . . . to those whose brains have started to deteriorate, talks shows and soaps exert a peculiar fascination.
In the sample group of 289 women, soap watchers were more than seven times as likely to show signs of mental impairment. A practical implication of this study is a quick and simple way to screen old ladies for their mental fitness. Simply ask them about their viewing habits.
Talking to crazy old ladies about Emerdale is not my idea of a good time. These guys truly are the unsung heroes of the medical profession.
I am officially old without knowing it; I should have realised, the signs are becoming increasingly obvious: beard, proper job, pension (well I would have if I got round to filling in the form), mothers day card sent on time, collection of ties, hobby (other than wanking), and I generally frown upon drug abuse, unemployment and social alienation.
The clincher is a whole youth movement has managed to pass me by without me even noticing. I had my suspicions, but when it came down to it I was totally oblivious. The movement I'm refering to is Emo.
I must have heard about it somewhere in my past because when I was asked by my colleague, "what does Emo mean", I replied.
". . . I've heard of it. . . it's a kid thing isn't it"
The reason it came up was he (G) was looking at the BBC 606 football chat forum and someone had posted, "I wish my lawn was Emo; it would cut itself". This sentence drew a complete blank in our office. When it comes to the search for the truth and the pursuit of knowledge I'm always willing to put the time in, so I put Emo into Google define. After discounting the result referring to the Irish chain of petrol stations I was hot on the trail with an extract from Wikipedia defining Emo as.
Emo (an abbreviation of "emotionally-driven Hardcore punk") is a term now broadly used to describe almost any form of guitar-driven alternative rock that expresses emotions beyond traditional punk's limited emotional palette of alienation and rage. It is also used to describe fans of this genre, most commonly teenagers. (e.g., emo kid). The actual term "emo" originated in the mid-1980s D.C. scene, with the band Rites of Spring, as well as bands such as Fugazi, Moss Icon, and Antioch Arrow
G was pretty excited about the mid-80's bands. Being over 50 I think he knew his input on this one would be limited. He defined these obscure bands as pretty thrash. Not 100% reliable I suspect but good effort. In the pursuit of knowledge, truth and being 'down with the kids' all contributions are appreciated. We couldn't decide if Emo meant Rap rock stuff like Linkin Park (G's opinion), or bands like Kaiser Chiefs, ummmm. . . Franz Ferdinand and those other Prussian sounding rock guitar outfits.
This meant I had to read the whole Wikipedia article. First thing I notice is a picture of the hair. There it is, that hair cut that all the school kids have. The one that makes me start staring at them trying to spot the bruises. Why aren't people beating these kids up? I hadn't realised it was cool. So the hair is explained, but at this point we still don't understand the joke. Then in the final paragraph I suddenly understand. I hurriedly type out this email.
Check out this Wikipedia article G
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emo_%28slang%29
It seems that the 'joke' in the posting is a reference to a stereotype that Emo fans, self harm, therefore cut themselves.
Ha. . . Ha. . . Ha. . .
So we know what Emo is, and get the joke. Emo seems to be a cross between a poorly defined music genre and another category by which teenagers can define themselves or their enemies in the tradition of: Chav, Goff, Townie, Grunger, Teddy Boy, Mod, Rocker etc.
I think this calls for a trip to the hair dresser, a sharp razor, some new slacks and treads and I should be 'down with the kids' in no time. Where did I put that Kaiser Wilhelm CD?
Well the critics are having a field day with the Jewslim video. It’s the hottest thing to happen in video land since the rewind button and everyone wants to throw their two cents into the overflowing wishing well of opinion. Here is what Ed’s brother and his colleague Laura had to say:
It's a shame you didn't make it last week, in time for the Oscars
(though I think Brokeback Mountain did have better lighting). Laura,
that sits next to me, said "Why the f*ck would you do something like
that unless you had to, WHY are they doing it?!"
The most popular reaction seems to be shock followed closely by confusion.
As well as inventing the worlds most popular pubic hair style Brazil has given birth to countless footballing maestros. This video demonstrates that the only way for England to win the world cup is if the entire Brazilian team gets bird flu. Give up hope now and it won’t hurt so much in the summer.
The premier of the very first Wild Skilz video has now occurred on myspace.com. A group of friends including Bobby Salad and I have been tirelessly involved in the production of this groundbreaking new short film.
It explores the relationships between religions and individuals and covers taboo issues such as homosexuality, idolatry, and inter faith relationships. Some have called it Broke Back Mountain meets The Passion of Christ.
Anyways to be one of the first to see this cinematic spectacle just click the link.
You will need to sign in to my space (or not it would seem) but they don’t junk you so just give em your email. If not enough people view it I will be forced to tout it on Muslim extremist websites to gain notoriety. (It could be considered offensive to some) I don’t want to be responsible for riots. Go on just look. You’ll like it I promise
I got my Beckam Corpse picture published in Private Eye.
(You can see it in this Blog 17 Feb 06)
This is definitely the pinnacle of my literary life so far. It beats the time I got my water colour of my goldfish published in Practical Fish keeping hands down.
(I really did get the goldfish picture published. Other than that my only other publication is a letter on Wind Farms published in the Portsmouth Evening News entitled 'Return of the NIMBY Attitude'. Their title not mine)
A woman described as a middle aged cat lover was arrested yesterday by police in Fareham Hampshire after confessing to killing an Ant, which she took to be her Aunt. The woman is reported to have discovered the Ant wounded and in considerable pain after being pinched by a toddler. Thinking that the insect was her relative the woman made the heart wrenching decision to put the stricken family member out of her misery. The police are unable to comment on specific cases but can confirm that a 39 year old woman was taken into protective custody yesterday under the mental health act. Dr Victor Pack an expert in Zoofamilias made this comment. "This kind of 'mind typo' is extremely common in women of this age; often it is bought on by a highly stressful incident such as losing at scrabble".
A local circus strong woman who claimed to be a sister of the woman's mother made this comment. "I always knew she was bad news from the very day she was born with two legs and no antenna."
There was once a man who lived with his mother in a caravan on Southsea common. His favourite thing was Scalextrix and he would play all day long. He covered the whole of the inside of the caravan with Scalextirx track and grandstands and had all the accessories including the smoking start track and the lights gantry. His mother despaired because it didn't look like he would ever get a job or a girlfriend or do anything useful at all that wasn't related to scalextrixc.
Then one day the mother was racing her Scalextric Porsche 911 around a banked corner. The back end swang out and the tires clipped the edge of the plastic road. The car flew across the caravan and hit one of the small plastic cottages that his mother collected and displayed on the telly. The cottage was fine and so was the car, or so she thought, that was until the next day at 6.00am before work. Mother was on her twenty fifth lap of a hundred lapper.
She pulled her 1994 Ford Cosworth into the pits and expertly swapped to her Porsche 911, perfect pit stop. When she came out of the pits she was still in the lead until she got to the first corner. She braked perfectly and was about to power out of the corner onto the long straight when she realised that one of the brake lights hadn't come on. Immediately the illusion was shattered and she threw down her controller in disgust. The crash had damaged the connections inside the car.
Oh I soon calmed her down and quick as a jiffy I had the plastic casing off and my soldering iron out. I reattached the little wire. Set the car back on the track and even gave her five seconds to make up lost ground. Since then I think mother really appreciates me and I'm now filled with self worth, which is great as it means I'm even better at Scalextrix.
I waited all night and he didn't show. You wonder; what’s wrong with some people?
Anyway I got home just in time to watch Full Metal Jacket and now I know what I’ll say if I see Satan.
"What is your major malfunction numb nut? Didn't your Mummy and Daddy give you enough attention as a child?"
I'm keeping the beard though.
