Jack Handy is from Saturday Night Live, I've seen a few of them they're pretty good but I'm no expert. I got a print out of his deep thoughts as a rather thoughtful present this Christmas from a certain somebody. So I have selected my favorite thoughts to post as a gift to anyone reading this.

I hope someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did".

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realised that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

The face of a child can say it all especially the mouth part of the face.

If you ever catch on fire try and avoid looking in the mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just do it by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If you have time read the rest here Jack Handy.

Does anyone else find this picture from the front cover of today’s Independent disturbing? I thought Iraq is a conservative country, I'm not sure if I feel this kind of thing has a place in the modern democratic process.

Where do you think they dye the woman.

Is it wrong if I find this picture of a girl being rescued by Mexican police arousing? If you look closely you can see the genuine fear in her eyes.

The Caption Reads:

An Unidentified woman is released from her kidnap ordeal in a dramatic rescue by Mexican police. The Citizen Council for Public Safety released the image as part a campaign to alert the public to the dangers of abduction - kidnappers in Mexico are three times more likely to kill or torture victims than their contemporises in Columbia the country long considered to have the worst record for abductions.

I bought some Cheese yesterday in Sainsburies, it had a ‘Try For Free’ sticker on it. It turned out that you had to try the cheese and then send the receipt and sticker to the company with at least fifteen words describing your thoughts on their product.

I think I must have exceeded their wildest expectations.

Dear Sirs

YUM YUM, CHEESE IN MY TUM!

Cheese? Yes please! That is how I've consistently answered this question since I tasted your sticky product.

I used to be a pate´ and ham man but now I much prefer to gobble your creamy cheese off the tip of my gherkin or pork sausage on a Sunday night.

I have composed a poem in homage to cheese on which I retain the international copyright; I wouldn't want you guys getting a free ad campaign out of me.

Cheese, Cheese, Cheese,
It cures disease,
It helps ice freeze,
It finds your keys,
It’s made by bees,
It grows under leaves,
We all love Cheese.

I thank you once again for your excellent product and the chance to try it for free. I trust that you will find everything to be in order and will forward me my check for £1.79 forthwith.

Yours faithfully

M Johnson

Update: I received my cheque for £1.79. HOORAY.

One of my flat mates cats was sick on the middle of the living room floor last night, I didn't have to clean it up and I will admit that it smelt better than the food we feed the poor buggers so it wasn't too bad, though it was another in a long line of things that have made me understand why my dad never let us have any pets.

They bring in little presents of dead animals; last night there was a half chewed mouse in the hall. On Sunday night one of them bought in a mouse still alive with its guts hanging out. It sat watching it quiver on the kitchen floor after it had batted it round the place leaving smears of blood and guts everywhere. I had to take it outside and smash its little head in with the back of my axe (the mouse not the cat) unfortunately I squished its head and its brains squirted all over my trouser leg, then I had to mop the kitchen.

They have also bought fleas into the house, this resulted in us having to do a spring clean in the middle of winter and spraying enough pesticide around our living room to contain a plague of locusts.

They are cute though, and they purr.

My mate Tom claimed to have been attacked by squirrels years ago in a park in Swansea, at the time I just thought he was being a great big pansy but the evidence is mounting up against the squirrels; this is from Fridays Times:

Moscow: Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog in a Russian park. Witnesses told the Komsomolskaya Pravada newspaper that the black squirrels in the Siberian village of Lazo scampered off afterwards, carrying pieces of flesh. A shortage of pine cones may have triggered the squirrel’s attack.

Sounds a bit like the beginning of 2001 a space odyssey but with squirrels, no one let a squirrel get to the moon, soon they will be building supercomputers.