Two men are having a fight in the street. They're exchanging punches until one man grabs the other's neck. "Stop and I'll stop". Says the man who has the other man by the neck. They both stop punching, except one man is still holding the other by the neck and now he's strangling him. So the man who is being strangled hits out, but the man holding him by the neck hits him back hard in the face. Another man who is standing in the street watching says to the man being strangled "stop hitting him, can't you see you give him no choice but to hit you back harder, be a good chap, die quietly".
@ 2014-07-23 – 15:14:51
@ 2012-09-09 – 17:05:35
When trapped in an avalanche the sight of a slobbering St. Bernard lolloping towards you must seem like an angel sent from heaven. A booze carrying angel; as it is well known that the little barrel attached to the collars of mountain rescue dogs contains brandy, but how does a 70% proof digestif help a stranded mountain climber? After all brandy is usually served at room temperature not alpine blizzard temperature! So I've devised a perhaps less enjoyable, but considerably more functional solution:
Don't turn to booze when you're in a tight spot. Stuck in an avalanche, you need Rescuing. Stranded Mountaineer, plus St Bernard, plus miniature barrel of Bach Rescue Remedy, equals problem solved.
@ 2012-09-06 – 19:16:05
The vast majority of jobs involve some form of cooperation. This means that virtually anybody who has been employed for any meaningful length of time has Ďexperience of working in a teamí. So why do employers insist on all applicants Ďdemonstratingí this? The below is a theoretical CV of someone who may lack team working experience. For everyone else it should be a given:
Intense periods of introspection. Working with a variety of mediums and subjects excluding people.
Turn on light, turn off light. Feed cat.
Playing musical instruments without accompaniment.
Servicing clients individual needs, avoiding police. (No threesomes).
Professional Gambler (Online)
Playing online poker ad nauseam.
@ 2012-08-29 – 09:49:51
The Paralympics start today. Huge pressure on some of the athletes when you consider the billions the government has invested in sending them to Afghanistan to train with the Taliban. Toughest, most explosive, paralympic training programme in the world. Blood, sweat and tears. Lots, and lots, of blood, sweat and tears.
@ 2012-08-22 – 13:07:50
Dr Rowan Williamsís massive ornate eyebrows precede him. They rise and arch, undulating with the knowledge bestowed upon them. As the wave of a magician's wand precedes a trick, so the flourish of the Bishopís brow proceeds a doctrinal proclamation. But unlike the magicianís blunt stick the Bishopís brow is sharp, like a cheese wire brush. Sharp enough to slice a schism in the fabric of the Church.
Unseeing they sweep before the Bishop filtering the air for for particles of theocratic detritus. When they trap precious particles of God plankton they funnel it straight into the mind of the eminent clergyman.
They twitch, faster than the human eye can register, searching for resonance. When they find it they sing, humming like the reed of a piccolo, with the mysterious song of the creator.
They are his horns. Bestowed upon him by God, not the horns of a goat, but the feathered horns of a wise owl. Worn not on the top of the head, but on the face, either side of the mind's chakra. A tool for guidance, not violence. A sixth sense, like the whiskers of a cat.
The Bishop's brow. Mystical, musical, filter feeding, tickle whisker, face horns. A brow bestowed by God upon only the most divine of men.
@ 2012-07-18 – 18:15:12
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. The cost of one modern heavy bomber is this: a modern brick school in more than 30 cities. It is two electric power plants, each serving a town of 60,000 population. It is two fine, fully equipped hospitals. It is some 50 miles of concrete highway. We pay for a single fighter with a half million bushels of wheat. We pay for a single destroyer with new homes that could have housed more than 8,000 people. This, I repeat, is the best way of life to be found on the road the world has been taking. This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron.
Dwight D. Eisenhower - The Chance for Peace Speech - 1953
Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Goodnight.
Bill Hicks - Revelations Tour - 1993
@ 2012-07-16 – 13:24:19
To say that I'm not very good at remembering birthdays, friends or family, is probably disingenuous. The truth is I'm not very good at caring. I don't much like presents and I find birthday greetings too generic to be meaningful, so I tend to not bother about my own birthday and not bother much about others either, but that can upset people, so what to do?
I recently came up with a solution. I came across an app called boomerang. It is a plug in for Gmail. It allows you to schedule email messages to send in the future. I quickly realised that I could easily programme this app to send emails to my friends and family members every year on their birthday removing any future requirement for me to send birthday greetings, simply download the app and programme it to send the below message:
Dear [insert name of friend or family member]
Happy, the current year, minus the year of your birth, th birthday.
This is an automated message set up to send you birthday greetings every year for the next fifty years. This might seem a little impersonal, but rest assured it is in fact the opposite. Your birthday is so important to me that I cannot bear the thought of failing to send you a birthday greeting on this special day. Automating this process removes the risk that some day in the future I may be incapacitated in such a way that would prevent me from sending you this greeting. I cannot live with this risk. Now that I have set up this message I know that I will always complete this important task, so without further a do:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY (unless you're dead)
Best wishes on this special day
P.S. below is a list of names, email addresses and birthdays. Please find your name in the list and forward this message on to the next name on the list on the appropriate date. Thank you.
@ 2012-07-10 – 20:41:12
Daisy how are you I havenít seen you in, how long!
Iím good, Iím good, how are you?
Iím great. Still at the dairy, bit samey, but you know itís suits me for now. Howís Lotty?
Oh Iím sorry to hear that. How is her daughter coping?
Oh, no! Her father was slaughtered last year as well. Itís hard to understand sometimes isnít it. Why are some cows so unlucky. How are your kids?
Oh really, oh that is difficult. Youíve got to stay positive though. I'm firm believer in staying positive. I always say it. Iíve had a calf every year for the last eight years, all slaughtered, but Iíve still got my udders. You keep going.
Do you still get a touch of mastitis every now and again?
I havenít, I havenít had anything like that since I started taking grass. It amazing stuff. Lotty recommended it to me actually. I take it every day now. And, you know, touch turf, I havenít been suffering lately.
Well I must be going.
Yes, yes, grass wonít eat itself. If youíre ever up my end of the field you must say hello.
Bye now, and remember, grass, it does wonders.
Two cows having a chat.
@ 2012-07-09 – 22:11:14
I went to a family planning clinic today. It was slightly disappointing to be honest. We didn't really plan the family. There were no sketches, no blue prints. We didn't do a computer simulated walk through of how the family could look.
If you're planning a kitchen you choose the units, the taps, the fake plastic granite work-top and if you have the dimensions of your kitchen you can computer-rate the data and generate a 3D picture of your kitchen. How else are you supposed to realistically visualise yourself making toast in your pants? That's planning!
All we did was a look at an ovulation chart. I want to know more than that. I want to choose my babies eyeballs. I want an eyeball chart. I should be able to choose skin tone on a chart that looks a bit like this. LINK. Get to work science.
@ 2012-06-29 – 17:00:36
I interviewed some bloke, here's what he had to say:
1) Which of the following groups best describes you: a) White Irish b) Black Russian c) Stripey Pole d) Lonely Asian e) Sitting Down f) Other
My Mother preferred to sit down while my father would pace the room like a lonely Asian, so I suppose I'm mixed heritage. Ethnicity is always a hard one to define precisely. Iím British, but colour wise - Iím not white exactly - if I had to choose Iíd say Iím somewhere between Sumatran Melody 6 and Jungle Ginger 5, perhaps Other: Autumn Fern British.
2) Upon seeing Chris Waddleís World Cup 90 semi final penalty miss Schopenhauer remarked Ďtalent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can seeí - my question - have you ever stood next to Schopenhauer at a urinal?
No, Kant say I have!
3) As the Secretary General of the United Nations Ban Ki Moon is the worldís most senior office administrator. Can you tell me what title is awarded to the highest rank in the catering industry?
5) Mark Twain once said: ĎAn expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.í Have you ever swept a grand phallus?
I once polished an enormous bell.
6) What is your answer to question 4?
I would do anything for love but I won't do that.
7) The following is an extract from the writing of John Donne:
Ďnever send to know for whom the bell tolls...í why?
a) the bell tolls when the boy shepherd has seen a wolf, but that particular shepherd is famously unreliable
b) the poem is about a man frustrated by his butler
c) all of humanity is connected, if one man is injured all of humanity is injured, therefore, it tolls for thee
Anyone familiar with Downton knows, the correct answer is b.
8) If you were asked to name a spade what would you call it? Please try to keep your response to less than 4000 characters.
Iím a straight talking guy. I called my first child Human Infant, so Iíd probably call a spade Force Multiplying Soil Extraction Device.
9) Mike Tyson famously offered a zoo keeper $10,000 for the chance to fight a gorilla. Which CITES protected species would you like to fight?
Iíd like to fight a two toed sloth, for reasons of cowardice. If Mike Tyson ever gets the opportunity to fight a gorilla will CITES permit trade in what is left of his body parts?
10) Which is the best value widely available cleaning product for removing stains from ones character?
New and improved shame - lasts a lifetime.