I interviewed some bloke, here's what he had to say:
1) Which of the following groups best describes you: a) White Irish b) Black Russian c) Stripey Pole d) Lonely Asian e) Sitting Down f) Other
My Mother preferred to sit down while my father would pace the room like a lonely Asian, so I suppose I'm mixed heritage. Ethnicity is always a hard one to define precisely. Iím British, but colour wise - Iím not white exactly - if I had to choose Iíd say Iím somewhere between Sumatran Melody 6 and Jungle Ginger 5, perhaps Other: Autumn Fern British.
2) Upon seeing Chris Waddleís World Cup 90 semi final penalty miss Schopenhauer remarked Ďtalent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can seeí - my question - have you ever stood next to Schopenhauer at a urinal?
No, Kant say I have!
3) As the Secretary General of the United Nations Ban Ki Moon is the worldís most senior office administrator. Can you tell me what title is awarded to the highest rank in the catering industry?
5) Mark Twain once said: ĎAn expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.í Have you ever swept a grand phallus?
I once polished an enormous bell.
6) What is your answer to question 4?
I would do anything for love but I won't do that.
7) The following is an extract from the writing of John Donne:
Ďnever send to know for whom the bell tolls...í why?
a) the bell tolls when the boy shepherd has seen a wolf, but that particular shepherd is famously unreliable
b) the poem is about a man frustrated by his butler
c) all of humanity is connected, if one man is injured all of humanity is injured, therefore, it tolls for thee
Anyone familiar with Downton knows, the correct answer is b.
8) If you were asked to name a spade what would you call it? Please try to keep your response to less than 4000 characters.
Iím a straight talking guy. I called my first child Human Infant, so Iíd probably call a spade Force Multiplying Soil Extraction Device.
9) Mike Tyson famously offered a zoo keeper $10,000 for the chance to fight a gorilla. Which CITES protected species would you like to fight?
Iíd like to fight a two toed sloth, for reasons of cowardice. If Mike Tyson ever gets the opportunity to fight a gorilla will CITES permit trade in what is left of his body parts?
10) Which is the best value widely available cleaning product for removing stains from ones character?
New and improved shame - lasts a lifetime.